Monday, December 03, 2012

WHAT?! THAT AGAIN? BULLIES

Lunch out with friends turned expectedly emotional. I found a conversation led me to a place I didn't know was there and didn't have a chance to avoid it once it was obvious what was coming into view. 

My dad.

Came into full view.

I thought I had buried him. 

I had won. Despite everything, I became myself and am living a very happy life.

Then my Dr tells me there is a chance that my neurological problems stem from his hitting my head so many times. The one I recall the most is the throwing a bookcase at me my which slammed other side of head into ornate coffee table head. And other fun times.

Now I knew something was brewing but I couldn't' think what. Maybe I am not so accepting of my physical problems after all. Maybe I am a fraud and really resent this or just can't pretend I have balls can deal with this like it appears. OR, and this was more like the truth, I ought to find all of my dog's homes now, because anyway John is old and can't hear and he'll be dead soon and then I won't be able to look after myself, let alone the dogs, so I might as well go now because there is no way I am ever ever ever going back into an institution and where could one be assured of one with no abuse or neglect. Exactly. Nowhere.And besides, why on earth, even if the carers were all angels, would I want to be in a place like that waiting to die and in the meantime need daily humiliation. No thank you. Not for me, Seriously so. Not for me. All of this sure to happen. The houser enovations ahve been a utter waste of time and money because John now needs ear aids and can't wear the damn things because of an ear infection which won't go away, so he must me dying sooner than I thought and then I won't be able to look after myself nor the dogs and I don't want to be on of those people who let their house get smelly and their dogs ungroomed and unwashed and shit filled cages so I have to rehome them  BEFORE I then do the obvious, except I have to wait until John has snuffed it and what if I become incapable of doing it before he dies? then what? I'd still be alive, he'd be dead, and I would be taken  into care and straight back to childhood.

So that was what the thinking has been like recently.

When really the chat with the Dr brought something I didn't know I felt and I didn't want to feel it either, more to the point. 

You see, I have been really proud of becoming the man I have become because in order for me to become me, I had to beat him. I had to undo all the damage his mind fuck of me did. I pretty much succeed. Great life, successful long term marriage, living a good life and not only that can deal with physical pain 24/7 showing I was not weak willed, soft, cissy he always siad I was, with such disgust on his face. 

Well, if he permanently damaged me physically and my neurological problems are the result of all those head knocks as a child, whilst my brain was developing, then I had not beaten him at all. He'd won. He's permanently damaged me. There is no getting well from this. He'd won after all.

My friends and John all roundly disagreed with my assessment of this, as they think, even if it were the case he caused me permanent physical damage, I still overcame him.

All I know right now is I am very confused about it. I feel such an ager toward him which i have not been aware of before, I feel like I am grieving yet again over shit that has been raked over and over and over and I thought I had well and truly killed him dead, out of my life forever.  Meaning, I felt I ahd finally become myself, the biggest victory I could ever I had and i could live with the knowledge of what he did to me, knowing he didn't want me as his son and know deep in my heart that HE was the problem and not me. I still know this. I know I was  not the one who needed to be different as a child. I know that aman who does that to a child is not an adult and is a coward. I know that. Those who have known me the longest know it too. They know Colin prior to the epiphany which gave me this knowledge about where the problem lay, not with me, and how that knowledge changed me. And let me become me.

Now I feel that if he did damage me physically, I didn't survive him after all. This is with me for life. Which means he is. No matter what, what i do, what I think, what I feel, epiphany or no, he is there 24/7. 

So this is what has been bothering me and the crazy stuff up above about John dying and my house being the papers as a den of bad dogs and mad owner was the crap going around in my head to avoid me thinking the above about my dad.

PLUS on top of this, I have felt bullied by certain people in my dog show breed fro quite some time. Recently i wrote an article, correctly factual, and it has started up all over again. The same few people are out for me. Now when I first came back to the UK in 75, it was clear I was disturbed and later mentally ill. In the late 70's early 80's when  i was trying to get my life together and fulfills my dream, I was also mentally ill. It showed. People could see it. Well I know for a fact there has been gossip, current, about that Colin who no longer exists but he did exists and for truly terrible reasons, and shame on you people, you ought to feel compassion for me as I was and not use use it now to shame me into shutting up. What you have been told about me is lies but I am sure you don't even care about. What you are doing is bullying. Yes. Plain old bullying. Shame on you, especially on those who I have felt compassion for among and tried to help you out and you turn around and thank me with this. Well, the mentally ill boy you thought you knew doesn't exist and a good caring and compassionate man does, but also no longer a fool and not blind to the malice of others any longer. I believe in giving people chances. I know when that chance has gone. It has gone. I am not ashamed one iota of my past, of having been mentally ill. I had the spirit to overcome it all and more and took more courage and strength than you will ever understand. I think the biggest mistake was thinking I was stupid. 

Well the paragraph above is quite clear and I understand that. I know what i think and feel about it and I will ignore it or stand up when and if I need to and make it very clear to these people that their behavior is unacceptable and they will not bully me into lying or hiding genetic facts.

The f*cking dad part, I am lost on. I need to find a way past it. I know what i have written and usually I come to my own conclusion but with this I can't. Today I feel physically weak, cold, trembly, the way I do when having an emotionally gruelling ordeal which this discovery today has been for me. I didn't expect to talk about it tonight. But I have. 

It is no good pretending oh it probably wasn't his actions but is unconnected. That could be the truth. We will never know. So I have to fin d a way of thinking I can live with this knowledge, than much of difficulties, those that will not go away and may continue to get worse, might have been caused by him, and not have it feel like he is back with me 24/7 and that he has in the end beaten me anyhow because I cannot fight this one. I could fight for my soul and I won that. I found who I was, I found my spirit, and I know me and my inner self HAS survived him. I cannot make my body well and if he did that too, I find it really to explain the rage and greif that makes me feel, that he can still control me until the day I die,  through my fucking disease! I had no control back then over what he did to my body but I really felt free of him. Do you see? If HE damaged me permanently, I will never be free of him.

Okay, so now through writing I know what the issue is but have no idea how to resolve in a way that adds to my life because right now I feel robbed of all my hard work. 

I don't know how to get past this.

8 comments:

Cindy/KS said...

I don't have the answers, but I do feel that even if you have on-going problems caused by his abuse, you still have won & he hasn't. The reason is that you are who you are now in spite of his actions & his abuse of you. Yes, your body is failing you & that may be because of his actions, but then again there are people everywhere who's bodies fail them without these actions. My own mil has dementia - her mind has failed her! I ever thought it would happen with her. But it has & even though the few times that I manage to get her on the phone now to talk, she assures me she is going no where, she is leaving us quickly, at least mentally. My sil has MS and she also had no abuse to my knowledge. But yet her body is failing her. We can't control that - we can only control our response to it and if you give in to these feelings, then I feel that he has won, but if you do not, you work your way through them and you come out on the other side as a caring, gentle man, then you have won, not him, regardless of the eventual outcome physically or even mentally.

I hope this makes sense. I know for myself, I cannot say what I would be like if not for the abuse I had as a child - maybe I wouldn't even like the person that I would be if not for the abuse. But I know that I didn't let my mother win! I can look at my siblings and see where they are in life & know that I have succeeded in spite of the way I was raised. I feel they let her win for the most part. Maybe that means my stubbornness has helped me to come out the winner. I don't know, but I do know - I am a better person now than I was then!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Colin, I'm truly sorry you're going through this. I have a small idea what you're going through as I had my own little visitation from the past. My childhood was far from idyllic but nothing as traumatic as yours. I always tell my son there is always someone worse off but I don't think that's necessarily true in your case Colin!

Anyway, an innocent comment from my son "ripped the bandaid off" as my husband says and catapulted me back to that time, those feelings, and it took me the longest time to figure it out, that shame. After more tears and a call to my sister who really was genuinely confused, I was able to see it really was their shame Colin. Whatever failings there were belonged to them not me.

And that's what I would say to you. It's on your parents. You were just a child that deserved to be loved and they failed you. Worse than that, they physically and emotionally abused you. So Colin, look in the mirror and see the truth. Who won? For all your difficulties, would you ever do that to a child? No? You win. How long have you and John been together? Are you happy? Were your parents happy? I already know the answer. You win again. You're an artist. You have your dogs. You survived but you also made a life for yourself. You have a home with a seriously enviable collection of Doc Martens. That's some serious winning, Colin. It's time to quit the field and draw a line in the sand.

For me too. Take care and be well.

Susan

iris said...

Iris said...
I have to agree with John and others. Indeed, you DID beat him, and continue to do so every day you take another breath. The only way he can truly win is for you to give up, to lie down and LET him win. He's a horse's arse and you truly must not allow him to win. It's a mind game. Win it. You simply can not back off now. If you do, it's not he who has defeated you, you will have defeated yourself. You're much bigger than this. So, as difficult as it may seem today, pick yourself up, hold your head high and give him the royal finger. Oh! And the next time he "walks in" uninvited, tell him he's already dead.

Lol said...

What lovely comments, articulated far better than I could. He only wins if you let him win and I think I know you well enough to know that you are not going to let that happen but it's terrible to have to go through the process of sorting it in your he'd again.

I honestly think that a lot of your unrest and exacerbated symptoms lately have been caused by the vast upheaval of the renovations and the wedding. I often wondered what Cinderella felt like after she married her Prince, perhaps something like what you are experiencing now. Hugs to you xxx

Anonymous said...

Colin,
You don’t get past adversity; you get through it. You are alive, that is your victory. Advancing age deprives our bodies of many abilities. We adjust, often not graciously, but we adjust. I know what it means when your heart aches for a loved one, and that this is all that is left that you can do. So your John’s hearing is not what it used to be. You can still look into his eyes, and there you will see all that you need to know. It does not fix things, but it helps to get through the dark times. Your load is heavier than most and this is a sorrow. Life is immeasurably precious. I know; I have faced that dark doorway. Live, Live, there is love in your life.

Anonymous said...

Colin,
You don’t get past adversity; you get through it. You are alive, that is your victory. Advancing age deprives our bodies of many abilities. We adjust, often not graciously, but we adjust. I know what it means when your heart aches for a loved one, and that this is all that is left that you can do. So your John’s hearing is not what it used to be. You can still look into his eyes, and there you will see all that you need to know. It does not fix things, but it helps to get through the dark times. Your load is heavier than most and this is a sorrow. Life is immeasurably precious. I know; I have faced that dark doorway. Live, Live, there is love in your life.

marsha said...

Dear Colin,

These lovely friends of yours have already said everything that I can think of to encourage you. You have already "won" in your life. Your soul is compassionate, sensitive and good. I believe that our soul is more important than our physical bodies. The physical body makes our lives not so much fun many times, but our soul brings us through those difficult times. Your soul has brought you through.

This may sound trite, but I don't mean it to be that way. Count your blessings when life starts to cloud up....you will find that you already did in your post: your great life, successful long term marriage, living a good life and not only that can deal with physical pain 24/7...and your dogs. Focus on those successes and loves!

To Colin's friends who posted....you all have a marvelous way with words and a positive outlook! Thank you for sharing with us!
Marsha

Anita said...

What Marsha said. You are not your body. Keep your mind and your soul free.