Wednesday, November 18, 2009

frozen

I was going to delete yesterday's post but don't think I can now with all those comments.


I went to sleep last night at about 8 and got up at 9.30am with a pounding headache from sleeping too long. I just wanted to sleep and stay asleep.


One feeling I experience which frightens me is anger. I felt enormously angry yesterday. I had to hold myself tight and ask for help to not act upon it. One reason it frightens me and makes me feel ashamed is that it is part of me that is like my dad and I don't ever want to be like him. Sometimes though the power of it really scares me.


The overriding feeling I have is humiliation. And it is why I wanted to delete the previous post. I have written a lot about my relationship and how important it has been to me and how lucky I am to have such a partner. Everyone who has ever met him have all side the same thing: what a gentle, kind, generous man, he clearly adores you. Now I feel it has all been a sham and I have been made a fool of. I haven't set foot out the door since I found out and I don't have to this week. I don't want to. I have not felt like this for many years. it used to be so strong, I never went out at all for months on end.


I have known something is wrong for a very long time. Every time I asked, I was told no. Yet I knew something was eating at him. To think he went to court and all that crap about 8 years ago and didn't tell me! There was something I found out when he bought the house and he explained it away. There was money being taken off his salary. I accepted his explanation of it being a work loan because we had lived beyond out means. I now realise it was the tax settlement. I took charge of all financial stuff from that. I have control of all the accounts. No tax stuff has ever come here. He didn't tell them he had moved.


In one of the comments, someone said he has just 'procrastinated himself into a corner'. That I can understand. Then I think about me and the consequences for me.


I am physically disabled. I have no assets. None. I have state disability pensions and that is. I am totally dependant on him for my present life. No matter what happens, he has a career and a very high salary. He can rent somewhere. I can't. Rented places don't take dogs. Without me, his life goes on. Without him, mine stops. Or at least becomes very very difficult.
I would have to wait to be rehoused in ground floor flat with easy access. I couldn't get my chair in and out of the car. I doubt I could even keep a car.


So this is what makes it very hard for me to understand how he could have done this. If he loves me, and is who everyone has always said, how could he risk my life like this?


When I first found out about the tax situation, and I did some breaking of things and then bared myself emotionally, something I have never ever done in front of him, made myself so vulnerable, he still LIED!!!!! That is what makes feel the way I do right now. That and the fear of what may happen. I also wonder if his telling me of his feelings for me was just because he rightly thought that would shut me up.


On the practical side, his lie is the equivalent of telling a lawyer he has no previous convictions and so our lawyer has been fighting from that angle and wondering why the tax people are being so determined and disbelieving. Because he does has done this before and she didn't know that and nor did I! He has professional embarrassed her. She told me she was angry with him because had she know she would have fought this from a different angle and it is also the reason the bankruptcy has gone ahead so quickly. To be honest, if she didn't know about me, I think she might well have told him she wouldn't work for him. It was me who found her and employed her. I think she understands, being a woman, my situation.


I always prefer to see the good in people and I approach others from that perspective and usually can see why someone is being obnoxious or whatever. There but for the grace of God go I is what is usually in my mind. However, at times, like now, I think this is wrong and it is why people think I am a push over and can do and say whatever they will because 'Colin won't mind or bite'. I might not bite but I mind. I mind very much. I often feel very wounded despite my smile. I just don't get why people think they can say and do whatever they like to me. I mist give off an air of wimpery or something.


Even on the email lists there are those who seem to make it their mission to be as bitchy and unpleasant as they can be toward me and jump on every word I write and certainly they poo poo anything knowledge I may have to share. you'd think after all these years ofr working with yarn and knitting, I'd know something. But now, they'd rather listen to someone else. A woman. Or at least someone published!


I am no angel and I know I have hurt others. I have never done so deliberately. I have deep regret about how I used to be.


The worst feeling is fear and I am very tired feeling it. It feels like it is eating me from the inside out. I feel is though I am on the precipice of losing it all and even if I don't, I certainly have lost the relationship I thought I had. I can't help but feel humiliated by that, by how stupid I have been. My mum constantly told me you can't trust anyone. I couldn't trust her that is for sure but it does seem she was right.


Oh and no I don't feel I deserved my childhood, despite what I wrote yesterday. I do think I have probably asked for the present situation by believing words and to my gut. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Short of torture, hpw could I have gotten the truth? I would never have guessed the problem is what it is. I would never have believed anyone who told me that was what he was hiding. John? Never! What a fool I have been.


You know that feeling one has about how things are just too good to true? I have thought that for ages. The success with Whitney with no one being horrid to me, until recently. A good man. Financial security. a home. How lucky I was yet all the time this feeling that it wouldn't last. I never in a million years thought it would be John who pulled the rug from under my feet.


Of all my family, I really felt good about the fact I was the only one with a stable and good relationship. Neither of my brothers have and whilst my parents stayed married until my mum died, their relationship was hardly successful when you consider what they did to us. Now it seems none of us made it after all. I really thought I had won, despite them doing all they could to keep me down. I overcame them. I thought.(I mean it figuratively, not literally. i don't want to beat them or do them down.)

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope you get the strength to get through this, Take care of yourself

Brigitte said...

Hi Colin, I read your previous post yesterday but thought I'd "sleep on it" before I leave a comment.
First of all, please, don't punish the victim all over again. I know that your parents did, and that it is a hard pattern to get out of but it doesn't do any good. Believe me. I am still trying to get my parents out of my skull and have to do that over and over.
Second, I think that saying "John procrastinated himself into a corner" should be printed and framed. People are not white-white or black-black, they come in all shades of gray. I don't know a single person who doesn't have a few spots - including Hubby, who has some gray that I find hard to cope with. I myself have some gray areas that I am not particularly proud of and that I would not like others to see but I am not worthless because of it. Please, give yourself some time, think things over, talk to a therapist, a counselor, friends, and John himself. Don't let "he lied to me, he cannot be trusted" take hold within you.
Last but not least, people bully/ walk over/ laugh about/ lie to other people all the time. There is no such thing as "an undisturbed life" and you will always step on other peoples' toes and have them step on yours. That doesn't mean that you are not accepted or respected. You take the good and try to cope with the rest, mostly by ignoring the idiots. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water, Colin - you might not feel like pursuing your spiritual work for a bit but the best way to lift up your spirits is by helping others, and you have so much to give.
Try to not getting into a depression. Talk to your doctor about that. Otherwise, sleep is good for the raw nerves and dreaming will do some therapeutic work for you.
It sounds corny, I know... but you are getting to work through this muck now that you are stronger. If that had hit you years ago, you would have really cracked. You can work through this. You can solve this. You can emerge from this stronger and with more confidence than you had before. I am thinking good thoughts for you.
Brigitte

BammerKT said...

I can't imagine what you must be going through right now and I'm so sorry to read about it. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I don't think there is except that we are thinking of you across the pond and hoping that you continue to take one step forward at a time until you are through this!

Anonymous said...

Dear Colin,
I weep for you. Keep reading your comments, over and over, there is so much love and help for you there. My bit: The days pass, the feelings change. Keep breathing, keep going.
I hope for something good for you today, any little thing, to lighten your spirits for a moment.
Sabine

steel breeze said...

Oh my word. I only just spotted your last two posts. I don't know what to say. I agree with Brigitte, don't throw out the baby with the bath water just yet. Everyone makes mistakes; a perfect human being would be incredibly tedious. You are stronger now than you have ever been, and you will get through this. Stay calm, get plenty of sleep and fresh air, and the way forward will become clear. Wish I could offer you somewhere to stay, but all we have is a large sofa (and I don't think Thomas the cat would appreciate the dogs). Bit too cold to camp this time of year! :/
Thinking of you! Call me if you need a chat!

Iris said...

I think Brigitte has posted a "comment of reason." It's my hope that her approach would work for you and that you and John can work things out and go forward. Only you have the power and the knowledge to figure this one out.
As you'll remember, two years ago, I had had it with Jim and his controlling ways. I left, fully meaning not to return. After many long night talks with him in tears promising to change, I went back, against many peoples' advice. He has, since that time, bent over backwards not to repeat his past mistakes.
What John did to you is a lie - a lie of omission. Partners should know of the financial situation, no matter how difficult. How else can a team pull the cart together?
You never mention whether you and John are talking about this. I hope you are, regardless of how difficult.
I'm sure you know how much I'll be thinking about you. Be strong and think clearly, even through your anger.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. Only YOU know the right answers. You are much better than the individual parts.

Susie B said...

Hi Colin,

I just saw your last 2 posts. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Don't give up on John, I agree that he procrastinated and lied to the lawyer but I don't think his love for you is a lie. I think that he "omitted the truth" so that you wouldn't run from him; he could also be so scared that you will leave him. Talk to your doctor, a friend, anyone to help you with this.

I don't know what to tell you. I know what it feels like to almost lose your home; it happened to DH and me. Surely somewhere will allow you to keep the dogs--they love you as much as you love them.

Stay strong, this will get better.

Iris said...

I adore my funny, smart and clever far away friend. Please, please take care of yourself.

Far to the east the moon pulls the tides
That pluck the strings of my heart.
Stroking and stoking
The love that abides
For a friend in need, far apart.
Far to the west the sun shines a light
That warms the face of my friend.
Caressing and soothing
The pain in its might
To calm the sore soul of my friend.

Sandy said...

Oh Colin, I read your post yesterday and was so upset, I couldn't even find words to type to you. I am worried about you and wishing you all the best. Like everyone else, I know you have the strength to get through this. In this life we have no choice. We stand up, face the mess and somehow go on.

I do have room for you and your dogs. Spent the night trying to figure out how to get you and the pups across the pond as I'm in Pa.

Listen Colin, I'm going to send you a private email with a phone no. Please don't stop trusting everyone because of a few. Sending prayers, luck, common sense thinking, calmness and anything else you might need in that vein.

Sandy in Pa.

Anonymous said...

Hi Colin, I've commented a few times before, and feel like I should say something to you now, also, but pretty much everything I could say has already been said.

If I weren't so far away, I would offer you our extra bedroom (we even have a fenced dog yard but no dogs right now). There are people who care about you and what happens to you -- even though we are oceans apart.

Trust is a fragile thing, but it CAN survive, with proper "glue" and time. Some of this comes from your partner, some of it comes from you. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things that a person will ever have to do - and one of the most important. Please understand that there are people who are trustworthy and there are people who make mistakes, wish they hadn't, and simply try to hide their mistake any way they can rather than facing up to it. Sometimes a person feels that hiding the mistake will make it "go away" and that way they won't have to admit that they aren't really worthy of the pedestal that they have been put upon.

No, it isn't right for anyone to do this, but it is human nature to want to live up to others' expectations of us and to want to hide it when we don't.

You have friends, though far away and maybe anonymous, who care and wish the best for you. Please let us know through your blog if there is anything we can do to help you as you get through this difficult time.

Lol said...

Colin, you have every right to be angry. Hugs

Debbie said...

My best friend went through an almost identical experience with her husband and the IRS. It took forever to resolve and the stress left scars on her already fragile health(fibromyalgia and RA). Her feelings of betrayal and fear were off the scale. She and her husband are still together, but she and her relationship changed. I wish you strength and some measure of serenity. I hurt just thinking about your pain

Anonymous said...

I think steel breeze sums up my thoughts..

"Everyone makes mistakes; a perfect human being would be incredibly tedious."

And as long as John is being apologetic, ashamed and a bit humble, then he may be worth the effort.

Besides, in your state of health you can't afford to put people on pedestals, how would you climb up to spend time with them. (thats my black joint aching humour)Much better that he has some smudges in his copy book along with a couple of large ink blots.

Please don't let this drag you down, as my Consultant always says, Don't Panic yet, I'll tell you when and if you need to panic. Right now don't panic..

Maybe go talk to CAB to find out if there is anything you can do to protect yourself and your home, not the flat the one you are in now.

Amanda

Cat said...

Like the others, I just wish I could give you a hug and help. I would love to let you have a spot at our house, but again I am on the wrong side of the pond for that to be convienent.

But, you have friends, Colin, please know that, you have a right to be angry, you have a right to be worried, but you have people who listen. (I also think you have an awsome wardrobe, and knit fabulous socks, but that's beside the point!)

We care.

Cat

FuguesStateKnits said...

Colin, please listen to Brigitte - what she said constitutes the thinking of a healthy mind. She is utterly correct, IMHO and you should really really mind what she says.
Again, you will get through this, because now... you can!

Mary Beth said...

Colin: Hi. What a mess.

There is no excuse for John's behavior. None.

Nor for all the other folks who have let you down these past few days. No excuse.

I prefer to consider that you have had a really rough patch of luck inter-personally lately. I don't think anyone has been considering you either in the way that you are "going to take it" or that you are too stupid, they just aren't considering anyone but themselves. It ain't you but yup, you might be really screwed.

I hope there is some good that comes of this. There could be, you know, there just might be some good coming from all this upheaval.

You certainly don't deserve it.