I don't know, sometimes life is just too damn hard. I seem to have run out of (click) spoons completely. I started off the week feeling crap and have just felt worse and worse until today I feel so low I have no energy and think life is too much to handle. It takes so much effort and I wish I could just quit. I'd like to vegetate and do f*ck all. I can't. I can't stay still because if I do so, I seize and the pain is worse. Pain usually stops me keeping still anyway. I am so tired. Last night was bad pain wise and for some reason I was back and forth to the loo with the poos, just water eventually. Now today, although I did post off the Ebay stuff, I am just about keeping my head above water. I have a show Saturday and I really don't feel like going. I want to sleep. The only way I can completely switch off is morphine and a muscle relaxant but I can't do that unless I am in severe pain and I am not, just that nagging dull pain that is always there. I do get pissed off sometimes and can't always be chipper about life. I also sometimes think life would be so much better without most people. I might be one of them.
Edit: a few hours later, I do feel better mentally. I helped that a friend wrote to say they were feeling the same: 'dark inside'. Trouble with me is that I automatically feel ashamed when I don't feel happy. Feeling sad or depressed or just crap is not allowed. Oh, I know it is allowed, and is normal, but still I react with shame and that of course makes me feel worse.
One thing I am proud of though is how I handle this now. I get on and do things-like listing on Ebay, washing up, knitting etc instead of harming myself which is what I always used to do. BLIMEY! I even have a drawer full of drugs I could make myself feel better with, but I haven't. I really am different. I don't mean I am sitting here in physical pain and refusing to take the meds, I mean I have not used the meds, as I could with the right mix, to make me fell 'happy'. They are not for that. I feel proud of that too. Oh and nor have I attacked a litre of Haagen Daz. What on earth happend to me?
I'm not willing to let this go...
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Knitting is still going on, but I've lost of bit of the mojo. It's OK I
always get it back and I highly doubt it won't this time as well. I am
t...
5 months ago
7 comments:
Nah, you're not one of the people the world would be better without. I know some of them and they are NOT you. Thanks for the "Spoons" article. It's a wonderful one. You can substitute almost any chronic condition, even age, for the Lupus, can't you? And, that's exactly how I feel somedays, too - more as time goes on. Today's mood? Apathetic.
seems to be a bad time painwise for many I know are dealing with it, including myself.
Maybe it is the weather or something in the air?
Sending some healing thoughts your way.
Hi Colin, yes I agree, sometimes life is just too damn hard! I read the "spoons" story many years ago and it always resonated with me.
I've been feeling pretty crappy myself the last few weeks, today I can't hear with my right ear and the ringing is about to drive me batty.
I don't know if you have listened to native american music at all but a friend of mine has some wonderful meditations and healing songs on her website if you want to try it out. I just put my headphones on and listen when I'm feeling crappy. http://brendamacintyre.com
It's not a miracle cure or anything but the music takes me outside my pain for a little while.
Feel better soon, Cyndi
Well, I'll give you some of the opposition you seem to ask for...
No, life is NOT better without you. Just from a personal point of view, I have learned much from you, about life, about knitting, you name it, and I would prefer for you to stick around (selfish, I am, I know).
I do think that you will feel better in a couple of days or so, maybe not physically but mentally. As I perceive it (from far away, I have to admit) the ability to cope with your condition is at least in part mentally. Allow yourself some slack, sleep if you can, and remember that I am sending good thoughts. I am sure that I am not the only one.
Brigitte
Thanks for the spoon story. I have never seen it before and it is an eye opener!
Sometimes I don't feel happy, even though I have every reason to feel happy: life is good to me and my partner, I have a great job coming up, I can still enjoy living in my beloved Cornwall for a few months longer, I am healthy. And sometimes that dark dog is just lurking in the corner, and I wonder how it even found its way in, because I have nothing to complain about.
Your blog is a great read: there is always something to make me think about what I would often take for granted, from socks and dogs to life and what lies beyond.
This is me Hazel, the returner of the pink 1ply, have just enjoyed reading some of your blog. You must be a fantastic knitter.....didn't realise till I started reading. And as you are full of wisdom, have you any tips for coping with the 'ring' shawls when you get to the centre. I really enjoy the l000 stitches bit but hate the tiny bit. I now have two almost completed but am putting the difficult bit off !
Re the mental fog -- you, too, Colin?
For the past month I have felt impossibly depressed and miserable, with an occasional good day. It has been overly rainy and cool here through almost all of June and into July. I don't mind the cool, but the rain has been awful. A real bring-down. We had a nice week, and now are in for more rain starting tomorrow. Ugh!
I have a touch of arthritis in various joints, handled easily enough with Ibuprofen, but when the weather settles into them, it's not fun to move. It's nothing like what you go through, but it still comes as a surprise to me when it happens. This body is nowhere near as youthful as my brain think it is!
After a couple of months trying to go without anti-depressants, I started taking them again last week. I feel a little better, but I also feel like I failed. Maybe that's not true, but --
I can deal with meds for chronic conditions. I'm a lifelong asthmatic, and I'm hypothyroid. Those things I have medicated for, for many years now.
But this other thing has to do with my mind. My brain. As an intelligent person, I have the mistaken belief that I ought to be able to recognize the symptoms when they begin to occur, and stop them dead with sheer force of will.
Everyone says that's wrong. I guess I know that sometimes, but I go through rebellious phases when I think, "Enough, damn it!" And I go off the meds. And I fail.
But maybe I didn't fail, because today I do feel a bit better. Today I do feel like I want to work out that new rhthymI learned in drum class yesterday.
Last couple of weeks, though I am excited about this new venture (African drumming), I couldn't work up the energy to actually take the djembe out of its case and play.
Today I do want to play, very much, and since hubby who dislikes the noise of it has just departed for work, I can go ahead and have at it any time. So I will, after I have put up an order that came in over the weekend.
I have to wonder how much impending menopause might have to do with the depression cycle. Much as I like to think I'm tough and my cycle and its changes will never get the best of me, uh...I'm afraid I know better. That's an unrealistic goal!
Oh, well...hang in there, Colin. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts.
Paula
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