Sunday, September 21, 2008

WTF?





We took Tabitha and Whitney with us.














Today we went to visit friends,
one of whom is in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I was very pleased to see that he was not as ill looking as I expected.


I had a brief talk with his wife about how most people have abandoned them. She was especially unsettled and confused that the people from church were the first to abandon them.

My response was that people are afraid and they especially fear what is happening to this couple and that their spiritual beliefs did not make them immune, particularly when those beliefs have not involved personal inner change. Meaning they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

Terribly sad but my two friends are growing daily thru this. I am not one of those that think this was their destinty, that this was meant to be. No. We have bodies and as such are frail and what happens, happens. It is what we choose to do with what happens and how we learn from it that counts. I do not bleieve they are learning lessons 'prescribed for them in some cosmic plan'. Not at all. I think those beliefs, along with 'it's God's Will' are borne of fear not rational thinking. I wonder if they ever stop to think about the sort of God that would cause such pain and suffering. I don't believe such a God exists.

Now to the title of this entry: WTF? Last night I had a night terror. Not had one for ages. I was almost out of bed, screaming but still asleep. John soothed me awake. I didn't recall it until later today when I asked him if this had happened. It had. I do not recall the events of the dream either, I just know I was terrified.

With the lack of good sleep recently, the not so smooth mood, and now this, I am wondering if anything is bubbling up in me. I truly hope not. Surely I emptied it all out already? Perhaps it's just what I wrote about the other day - life is very good and I am not used to that and it makes me fearful.
Just did a google search and it said this: In addition to night terrors, some adult night terror sufferers have many of the characteristics of abused and depressed individuals including inhibition of aggression,[2] self-directed anger,[2] passivity,[3] anxiety, impaired memory,[4], and the ability to ignore pain.[5].

Well, I am not depressed, nor am I passive any longer. My memory is crap and I survive by ignoring pain!

The second WTF? is that my hands have decided to pack up. They hurt liek hell, I have taken a full does of drugs, and have had to stop knititng. I only do that when I truly just can't keep going.

Typing invloves different movements and different pains.

This blog has turned out to be much much more than I ever would have thought and I am sure iut is stillmore than I can think of. When I started it, I didn';t really know what it was for other than to show off my dogs and knititng. then i strarted to write aboutmy history and my daily happeneigs. this had many effects. It gave me the oulet i needed to tell my story. To be heard. to have witnesses. It helped others in the process. It also serves as a record for me to see my progress on an emtional/ spiritual level and as a record of my physical health. The latter being quite important as I tend ot minimize and forget too. Having it written here helps me see the progression of it and helps me know what to tell my dr.

8 comments:

FuguesStateKnits said...

Colin - you are a very wise man. I am so glad you can be there for your friends. You will be so enriched by sharing their journey even as a sympathetic witness! And they are lucky to have you in their lives! I think you hit the nail on the head about the church people (that makes me want to cry - have none of them read the Book of Job??). I agree that really shitty things happen to good people - heck, you're one of them! - and it's what we do with the hand we're dealt that really counts.
sigh....
So sorry you are experiencing night terrors and physical pain - and yes, it makes sense that your friends' problems, lack of sleep, the increase in your own physical issues would combine to give you a "sucker punch" when your mind is at its stillest. Sending good thoughts, vibes, auras (if such be possible) and health and prayers (which to my mind are all of the above) your way, my friend!
Joan

FuguesStateKnits said...

PS - Thank you for including me on your blog list - I am honored indeed!:)

Anonymous said...

Colin - one of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare is "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." Thank God, you have found the courage to give words to your many sorrows and trials. You are an inspiration to me, and, with your permission, I will add you to my daily prayer list. Teresa in Alabama USA

Teresa said...

Colin - My favorite quote from Shakespeare is, "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." I am so glad you have found the courage and strength to give words to your many sorrows and trials. With your permission, I will add you to my prayer list. An Alabama knitter.

Anonymous said...

I know you might not go with this one Colin, and I totally respect your opinion, but I have just done a 'Journey' based on Brandon Bays book and it has had a positive physical effect - its Googleable - see what you think.
PS I was very scared but glad I did it and surprised at what came up emotionally while my legs were nearly shaking themselves off!

Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope you are not about to go through more stuff coming up and out of the darkness, but if so--we're here for you.

And even if it's not more "stuff" to be dealt with, if it's only a blip on the screen of your life, we're still here.

Thank you, Colin. You continue to amaze and inspire me.

Peaceful Blessings, my friend.

cici said...

Hi Colin, I got you site from the sockknitters group. I like what I see so far. Great reading and you are funny. It is nice that you can be there for you friends. Sorry about your night terror. Dreams sometimes feel so real. I look forward to reading more here, Thanks :D

Anonymous said...

"I had a brief talk with his wife about how most people have abandoned them. She was especially unsettled and confused that the people from church were the first to abandon them. "

It's a sad fact that many, if not most, people in towns abandon people who are ill. ("Oh I didn't call because I thought you might have a hospital appointment") I think we have a greater social cohesion in villages, not least because if something went wrong we would each know whose watch it happened on.

There are people who want to be seen to help, to be seen to do the right thing, and there are people who roll up their sleeves and get down to the nitty gritty.

I'm disabled and sometimes I need help from others. I keep on the right side of people from the first category just in case there aren't any of my real friends around to help...