Monday, November 05, 2007

Feeling Fragile - Keeping track

Today has not been so good. A fair amount of fear and abdominal discomfort. The discomfort of course being the fear.

I was thinking this has been going on for ages. But thank fully I keep a blog and I wrote this

http://tinyurl.com/3xv8p6


back on Sept 20th. So not that long ago. It's weird too because that post is a clear indication of what was to come.

I do understand I have made some major breakthroughs.

But I can't let go. I don't mean let go of the abuse and the pain. I have done that, mostly. I mean I can't stop being 'on guard' 24/7. This is the only way I know how to explain how I am right now. I am tense all the time. In fact I have been tense all my life because I am always waiting for the next blow.

I really want to believe that all is okay and I am safe and to let go and enjoy my life. But I am scared to. What if it's all a con again? What if the second I let my guard down, it all comes crashing down on me?

Life for me was like that for so long, the next blow always came without fail. I was always betrayed without fail. I always lost without fail, moved constantly. Friends, pets, taken just like that. Every time. Always in living no man's land. Always knowing that every time I made a friend or had a pet I would lose them. And every time I loved and thought this time it would be different. The same with my abusers. I was so good because if I was good enough the abuse would stop. I know different now. It made no difference what I did because I was not the problem!

Now, I have a good life. I BUILT it myself. Yes, I have love given to me which helped build my life but it was me who built it. Now I so want to enjoy it. Yet I can't let go. I so want to. I long to just let it go, to fall and believe I will be caught. I just can't manage it. How do I do this? How do I let it go? How do I trust? I trust no one or nothing. Isn't that awful of me? But it's true. I daren't.
I know I need to but the idea fills me with fear. Yet if I don't I am condemning myself to more of the same misery and I don't want that nor deserve that.

I just called out to the dogs because they were barking(don't allow that) and nothing came out!
I thought all day I was getting sick. Now I can't speak and my throat hurts.

Is this weird or what? I am hoping I am sick with the flu or at least a heavy cold. No I am not a masochist. But I am tired. I am want to curl up in bed with a book. I want to rest. I want to be sick enough so i can and not give a toss(apart form what needs to be done with the dogs.). I don't want to go swim a mile at 6am. I don't want to do anything. I want to cuddle warm in bed and do f**k all for a few a days and I know I will only do that if I am sick...

You know the physical side of this is really quite distressing and just adds to the stress. yes, it is improving but the stomach discomfort still comes, though not all the time and not so bad. The severe pain in neck and shoulders has all but gone. Did YOU know that emotions such as those I have been going thru could cause such physical problems? I didn't. It's scary and only adds to pain and fear. (Oh and yes my Dr says it's caused by grief and fear and not because I am dying). I can settle my stomach my deep breathing exercises.

Anyway, enough for now. I was just relieved when I read back at my FEAR post in September as it made it very clear what has happened since.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Colin,

Body and spirit, we are one entity. It makes perfect sense that when the spirit is stressed and hurting, the body will feel it. I learned about this connection at a young age...the year I was 12, I was the victim of a gang of what are now known as "girl bullies". It was a miserable year, such that any time any girl was nice to me they all turned on her as well. If a boy was nice to me, they redoubled their attacks on me. After about 6 months of this, I came down with mono and spent about 6 weeks in bed. The following year, it happened again. New school, same ringleader. That year I came down with scarlet fever. It became very clear to my doctor, my parents, and myself that my body reacted strongly in a physical way to psychic/psychological/spiritual pain.

You have made and are making wonderful progress. As with any progression, there are often two steps forward and one step back. I was particularly troubled by one sentence in your post this evening. The ninth paragraph, twelfth sentence, caught me, and was heartbreaking. After listing some very strong accomplishments you've made, and for which you are and should be justifiably proud, you attacked yourself, and basically blamed yourself for learning to survive. I'd bet you never even noticed, so here is the sentence to which I refer: "I trust no one or nothing. Isn't that awful of me?"

No, Colin, it is not awful of you. Just because one is finally, after extensive chemo or radiation, cured of a cancer, one is not necessarily ready to run the Boston Marathon. Small steps, my friend. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. You have come so very far. You can make it, and you will make it. One step at a time. Trust is a learned process. You have spent a lifetime learning that trusting means pain. You have begun to un-learn that painful lesson, but Colin, it will not come all at once. You cannot command yourself to trust, and suddenly you do so. You have opened the door. It will come. Slowly, silently, on butterfly wings it will enter your life. And one day, you will recognize it's there, and you will realize you have learned to trust. You have already started. You trust all of us every single time you post to your blog. You lay bare your soul, giving incredibly, asking nothing, and trusting us to treat it with grace and dignity. That, my friend, is TRUST, and on a very grand scale. Now you need to learn the small scale version. You will. I trust you.

Hugs and peaceful blessings,

terri

anachronist said...

Hi Colin,

It is amazing, you are able to write down all this in such a place as your blog. You are so far on your healing process, being able not only to see what makes the pain come, but also talking about it and doing things to make it better. Trust is very vulnerable and once broken it takes lots of patience and time to build it up a little again.
If I am not mistaken there is at least one person, John who you trust, and this is the start. You might not be able yet to find out instinctively who will be good or do harm, and that makes you careful around people and it may seem awful to mistrust everyone and everyones intentions but know what? This was necessary to survive the things you went through in the past. It became your second nature, and it takes time to 'unlearn' it again.
Please give yourself this time and be patient even if there are many drawbacks ahead, you are on your way and it is a good way.

Anonymous said...

For some time, in the beginning after the 20th, you had NO good days and far less understanding. You are making excellent progress. Today, you are feeling some of the symptoms of your pain and sadness.

Please don't forget how much you have helped some of us. We need you, truly. Without you, I might have ignored my feelings of what was the right thing to do, for now, and made a huge mistake in my life. YOU are the reason I made a correct decision. YOU are a worthy and lovely friend.

You are right, YOU built your life. You showed them all. I suspect that, should you be able to see some of the fools that hurt you today, you would see that they truly did reap what the sowed. Never assume they got away with what they did. Call it karma, fate, or whatever you want, things do seem to even out in the end.

I know you never wish harm on anyone. This places you so far above the fools who hurt you that your place in whatever spiritual sphere there is must surely be high.

You will be fine as long as you remember that your physical problems are a result of your fear and anger. Try to feel our love, your dogs' love and John's love as you go through your day.

We are all still here for you.

Anonymous said...

when I was in PT several times the therapist told me that when the worked on people that sometimes the people remembered things that were long forgotten, or that they cried with great distress - the idea being that the treatment was affecting the phyical effect of the pyschological distress
does that make sense?
They are connected!

We all have problems letting go - it may be bad, but it is ours! Look at the people trapped in an abusive relationship - it is bad, but they are afraid to risk the change, sure it might be better - but it might not, either way it is hard! It is scary to risk, but you do have John and he has been around for a great many years. You do have a life that you have built - so I think that the risk is worth it

Herzblut said...

>>>>I want to cuddle warm in bed and do f**k all for a few a days <<<<

oh, that's how I feel today too.....the emotional affects the body so much; thank you for saying all you did, and being so brave and open: thanks too to the other commenters here - much wisdom and strength from them.....

hope you feel better soon, and I send gentle hugs and Persian purrs to speed it up...

>^..^<

La Duchesse said...

To a certain extent, the instinctive need to protect yourself is a good thing, isn't it? But at the same time, I understand how draining and difficult it is to go through every single day always on the defensive. It's hard to accept that people care and support you, and that not everyone is out to do you harm, but it *is* true. There are nasty people out there, like Terri's bullies, but there are also some really wonderful people, too. You've already muddled through, and we *know* you'll keep making progress and that things will get better.