Thursday, October 11, 2007

PTSD

I am waking up ready for my 6.30am swim. It's the easiest time to go-as soon as the pool opens.

I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. I have improved, I physically feel much better and am sleeping well enough. My stomach has settled and is almost back to normal.

Back at the end of 94 I was admitted to hospital with similar problems to those I have been experiencing this last few weeks. At that time John was told I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that the reason I was so ill was because I was having severe flashbacks.

I was in no fit state to argue at the time but I didn't believe the doctor and thought the whole idea to be stupid.

Now I am not all sure they were wrong. This last few weeks I have felt very much like I did as a child. I have been experiencing a lot of fear. For no current reason. And yes, I can think of two recent situations that may have triggered this off.

The difference between 94 and now is that I am much more grown, stronger, and knowledgeable. I am dealing with it much better. I think the worst is already over.

I have to say I am somewhat shocked at this. I didn't have a warning as far as I can tell. Whilst I know our pasts are never fully over, I really did not ever expect it come up and bite me like this.

This in itself has made me feel afraid. As well as embarrassed. And angry.

I am meditating, exercising, eating well, and generally taking care of myself. The sooner this passes the better.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

I'm glad you realize how much stronger you are now then in your past. It does allow you to come back from setbacks more quickly. Although during the setback itself, it does not seem that way at all.

Keep up the positive thoughts and know others are rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

Hold on, my friend. This will pass. I'm so sorry you are going through this bad time.

Perhaps the fact that John will be home with you this weekend will help a bit. You have been alone for too much of this. I, personally, am proud of you in that you weathered this so well on your own.

I'm sending mental hugs to you.