Friday, August 22, 2014

TAKING A BREAK

I am too ill to write for now. I am not gone and I will be back but I can't give at this moment.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

SUICIDE


John and I went out to a spiritualist meeting this afternoon. All the time I kept looking at the back of this woman's head being absolutely certain that I knew her. When it was over and she turned around I knew that it was the lady I knew. I knew her daughters as well and I had a very long chat with her husband I'm talking at least an hour or so in the supermarket. Two months ago this man killed himself. He has an evil family. They tried to have his wife and her children who they don't like thrown out of the service and all of the time the service was going on they were heckling and such until it got so bad the Minister got the wife and children out. 

This man spent his whole life trying to get his family to love and accept him as he was. He was very sensitive and gentle and they were not. I don't know if they were but they sounded like some sort of Roma or crime family just by their behaviour.

 anyway I am sorry to say that I think the man was wrong to have killed himself to leave a wife and seven children behind and wife who thinks it's her fault that she should have been able to do more or seen it coming. I just hugged and harder and stroked her and told her that it wasn't her fault and when she realised that she would be able to grieve and then be able to live properly. I just think it is so wild that we have been discussing suicide the last few days and I then come across this happening to somebody I know reasonably well. This is a case where I think he should have sought help and thought of his wife and family and not just of the pain he felt because his own family didn't love him. I understand fully what that pain is like because that is the same with me my own family never loved me or accepted me but I won in the end after a lot of pain and attempts at ending my life. I stopped at the last one because I had taken a ship load of drugs at about 6 PM and new that I would not be found until at least 7 AM by which time I will have gone. I was not gone I was in a coma though and remain so for a few days and then was put in a mental hospital because my family lied and said that they had no  idea why.   well they were hardly going to say well yes actually we didn't love him or accept him because we wanted a butcher son  not this sensitive soft unnatural boy.

I understand this man it took me until I was in my 30s before I stopped looking for them to accept me. I realised that they needed to earn my acceptance of them and they never did get that. I don't hate them but I certainly don't love them and I am forever grateful that they are out of my life. I do know that they know about my blog but whether they know about my Facebook I don't know it depends how savvy they are.

 Anyway I really wanted to just hugged that woman's pain away because I had a fair idea of the pain she was feeling although not completely because of course this has never happened to me but grief has  and grief in the end is grief no matter what causes it. All of us who have suffered grief have that bond between us even if the cause of the grief is completely different. 

 Please send your good thoughts to my friend. I haven't named her faultless reasons but I believe that the good thoughts for my friend will still reach their target. And you know what I don't really give a toss about those who don't believe that this works because it does work and I've seen it work.

It is one reason why I find it very difficult to being groups of people for a very long and white dog shows people would see me in my spot knitting hoping that this would keep people away from me. It sounds awful because I like them very much but there is only so much I can take. My good friends who live close by who come and visit know when it is time for them to go without me having the say anything because I wouldn't be rude unless I was really really bad but normally I would never ask them to leave but they have an instinct and  know when it is time to say goodbye to me. I think only one good friend Judy Morant  saw me leave because I was there to have my dog mated both were virgins and I just couldn't get them to do it because they were both far too eager and I couldn't align them so that his penis went where it should and she is expert at getting the dog's penis where it should be. Anyway it was stressful for me and I had been there for quite some time and not even I was aware that I just disappeared for a while. She said she now understood what disassociation meant. She said it was really quite spooky to see because I was sat there in front of her in my body but I wasn't there. H

Sunday, August 10, 2014

CAT

CAT: I am sorry I accidentally deleted your message. Would you please write it again? What you said was pertinent though hard for me to to read.

MY OWN STRUGGLE

 I know that I have been writing here very sporadically and I feel very guilty about it because this was set up primarily to help other survivors.

However, I have been hit badly by several happenings in my life in the last couple of years that have caused me to have flashbacks and severe mood swings. 

I have been writing on Facebook because there I do not have to wait long for words of wisdom to come my way.  people really are very kind.

But I feel that I have neglected the survivors I write this blog for.  All I can say is how sorry I am but right now it is the best I can do.  maybe I shall start to write here instead because what I have been going through does fit in with all that I have said  about what we survivors have to contend with and how an unexpected happening can bring it all flooding back and can make it very difficult to rid oneself of its negative effects again.

 And I have to say that I also feel ashamed because I was writing this blog to show how possible it was to recover and yet here I am in a complete mess again because of happening that cause flashbacks and in two years I am still not back to normal.

 it isn't just that my physical disease has got bad and I can no longer sure my dogs. So I feel very sad and unhappy in fact heartbroken about that it is what I worked so many years for. I did have a lot of success. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday, July 04, 2014

ALTERATIONS


I had a reasonable sleep. waking up a lot but otherwise fine. Felt no need to take anything. I feel me usual crappy self which is a good thing. Maybe this 'withdrawal thing' this is going to be intermittent. I don't get it but am determined to stick with the oxy.

It will be hot today. The lounge was already 27c when I got up. John is home. I guess we will do domestic things and continue watching Game of Thrones 4. We have 4 because i have Amazon's Prime and it includes loads of free films and series and the GoT was bought in HD and is mine forever u less the 'Cloud' evaporates. I have been watching Under The Dome which seems much more interesting than the book. I find Mr King far too wordy now though I normally don't like his film version as. I think I find this enjoyable after two episodes is it is new to me. Who knows if I will stick with it? I must watch this as it streams though. It isn't saved as it is completely free.

I know some people really care about me but I would really like a favour please. Do not go on about when I return to dog showing. It hurts. I am getting used to the idea of not doing so. It was a pull to take Alexander tomorrow as he is entered but it will just open up a huge wound if I do.

I have been enjoying my dogs in a way that I have not done so for years. All the pressure of keeping them in tiptop condition has gone although none of them look any different to when I was showing them. You should see Alexander as he glides across the lawn. His coach trials the floor. And he has an easy coat to care for it. It is also easy to groom. I intend keeping  Winston in full coat when he is mature merely because he has the right text on coat he is a true deep black and will not have a difficult coat. After all it is this that drew me to the breed.

Rose will be going to a handler as I promised that she would when Megan has finished being shown. Megan will have a letter and as long as I get a top-quality female in that letter she will be gifted to her handler. Bette Sillito-pearson  already knows that I will not give up Megan until she has produced me a show quality pitch to continue breeding from. I will be continuing to breed the occasional letter but only from top quality females to top-quality males. I will reconsider if I find that no one is interested in buying shows stock.

I really want to just enjoy John's and my retirement. Yes, I do call it a retirement from myself as well. I think I'm beginning to let go in ways that are good for me. To give you an sample which some of you will be clueless as to its importance and others of you will get it straight away.

When I swim I was religiously counting each lap as I did it and I would find all sorts of ways of remembering which lap I was on and I would get very upset if I lost track. Recently keeping track has been more difficult but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was swimming for the same amount of time and so therefore must have done the same amount of laps. Now I don't even bother to count. I get in the water and I just enjoy the swim and I think about far more important things and some good ideas have come to me or some realisations have come to me because I have let go of the counting. I even count the stairs in my house as I go up and down them even though I know how many there are. It is a PTSD thing (and also an autism thing which has you know my doctor puts me at the high end of the autism scale.  it was a dog friend that first suggested that I talk to my doctor about autism. Throughout my life many people have made the suggestion to me but I didn't understand autism and only thought of rain man and I knew I was not like that. My friend though said that I did not know how to read people's faces although I am not sure about that and in fact probably disagree however when I read that famous book The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nightitme,  I identified so much with the boy and was rather horrified to discover that I did a lot of what the boy did and have done all my life and I would never even have mentioned it to a doctor because it just seemed totally normal to me. I have gotten over the not mixing my food together but I still eat my food in a specific order.)

As usual I have gone off on a tangent. Oh yes I was talking about having given up the counting while I am  swimming and just enjoying the swimming.  I am extremely grateful that I learned to swim when I was a boy because otherwise today I would be wheelchair stuck and fat for. I love being in the water. I hurt much less in the water although I do have to take extra painkiller in order to be  able to swim the amount I need to to keep my bones and muscles active and my weight down. I would do this even if I was one of those lucky devils who could eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight. It matters not that I am more likely to survive famine than those who remain skinny no matter what they eat! Why on earth anybody thinks that is of any comfort I don't know. Which brings me neatly onto the subject of cakes and stuff in supermarkets.  they sell a whole cake and they have written on it serves six. They should add the word pixie after the six. SERVES SIX?  Who are these six people that would be happy with a slither  of cake?  if I were truthful I would say it would serve two.  And by two I mean two slices.

 Getting back to the dogs. Perhaps it is becoming in my mind very similar to the way I feel about myself. I do not need you to tell me how I am. I like and love myself and it doesn't depend upon you. I can see whether my dog is a champion quality dog or and I really do not need  a person to give me a green card to say that they also think so. Let's face it all those people showing in limit and open think the same way about their dog otherwise they would not be showing it. This is only just occurred to me.  I am not going to shorten my life and ruin my time with John chasing around the country getting those three cards. Yes one could say that I'm just a boy whistling in the wind trying to convince himself that it is okay not showing. Seriously though I am pleased not to be there today. When I look at Mary Grace completely shaved off I am so proud of her because she is outstanding and as Andrew Brace said she deserved her title. She will never get it but I really do not care now I know that she is worthy and that is what counts. It is hard to explain the difference in feeling I have towards the dogs now but I am certain it has to do with all the tension having left me.

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Sunday, May 11, 2014

GOSH, IT'S JUST ROLLING OUT

I was very tempted to stay in bed. It is cold and miserable and so am I. Although I am not really miserable I feel the way I always feel until my drugs kick in. John is still in bed.

I am still in a quandary as to whether to give you a long one or a short one but this morning I think I'm just in a go with how it flows.

On Thursday John told me he would not be home that evening or at least the latest he could get home would be the 11:30 PM train at Peterborough which would be far too late for me to go picking him up because of drug timing etc. I was also less than pleased with him because he promised me that he would not ever be doing anything on a Thursday evening and this is about the third time he has done this and it is not a case of him having to it is a case of him wanting to. Anyway 8:30 the following morning and I still haven't had a phone call from him so I called him and he groggily answered the phone. I had a few choice words to say and I went about my day which included swimming. When I returned home at almost 2 PM he was in bed. I still was assuming he had a hangover but it turns out he ate lobster on Thursday night and I think he had a case of food poisoning because the reason he found it so awful when I called him was because he had spent all night in the loo and only got home through the use of Imodium. He spent most of yesterday in bed although towards the end of the day he did not look pale and we did manage to do that bit of shopping we needed at Tesco. I feel torn between feeling sorry for him for being sick because I know awful that feels and annoyed with him for having broken his promise and had a night out with the boys on Thursday night.

In case the people a lot in this country didn't notice we did not have a winter here. They may have had one in Scotland which is much further north but it couldn't have been much of one because I don't remember much in the way of reports and you know what newspaper like any minor incident and its full p•age news. Well so far we haven't had spring either. In fact the weather doesn't seem to have changed. It is still dull and wet though it is warmer but still with frost at night.

I have no idea what John intends doing today about while he is still in bed I am going to knit and watch the ninth series of Grey's Anatomy. I am flummoxed by this program. I hate it. It is utter rubbish. Very melodramatic. And yet I'm on the night series and will watch as many episodes as I can back-to-back. Which for someone who hates it and thinks it's utter rubbish is very strange indeed. Perhaps I don't hate it perhaps it's a bit like sitting and eating a whole box of liquorice allsorts in one go. You really know you ought not because it is just sugar and liquorice and no good fee whatsoever and certainly will do nothing to educate you accept that Yang should have been written out in the first series. How does that woman have friends let alone a husband.

I have just figured out why my post tend to be long. Because I sit here waiting for my drugs to work and I can't sit here doing nothing so I type whatever comes out of my mouth. And you never know I might find the answer to the universe and everything just by rambling I could just hit upon it and peace reign upon this earth. Now wouldn't that be great. especially if I could do whatever I want to do that harm anybody and I could eat whatever I wanted and remain trim. Now that is a piece of growth I said trim I did not say skinny. whereas before anything more than 185 meant I was hideously fat and had no right to go out my door. and I am not kidding. I can't remember size is a mention that period of my life but it was shipped another example of self harm. I always wore whatever clothes I had which were dull and I covered that with a very long coat come winter or summer and I would sneak out to the shops usually to buy a record. If I went on an eating binge I would do the same except that I would go to several different shops because I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't possibly by more than a couple of food items in any one shop because I was convinced they all knew that I was going to go on and eating binge. I would get home go into my bedroom well my bedsit or my squat lock the door and start unwrapping as if I hadn't ever read and I would stuff myself silly and fall asleep. It felt absolutely wonderful it was piece last the fight was over just for then. Of course I had to face what I had done when I woke up. I would flush everything I had left down the toilet and if it was too large for that I would go out in the dead of night and dump it in a public waste bin far from where I lived. Sometimes the urge to binge which is completely overwhelming and uncontrollable I would eat dog kibble and I have eaten out of dustbins. Can you see now why I never ever want to return to the Colin of those days. I know I had the disease and the lightbulb just went off in my head I am telling you and I'm telling you the worst of it without holding anything back. I used to take 30 Nylax the day because I never did quite get the hang of making myself vomit and I once swallowed a toothbrush in the attempt and I only just managed to retrieve it. I did eventually get put into a world-famous Anorexic unit run by a complete and utter attract whose surname was that of a food which was not an irony I found funny although I do sometimes find it funny now. I went because I thought I would be treated with love and kindness and someone would listen to me about the abuse I had survived. I could not have been more wrong I was given my own room but that room was glass so that they could see me 24 seven. I was treated like a prisoner and not like a patient with the disease. It was terrible. I was eventually discharged in disgrace because I dared to binge, WHAT THE FUCK DI YOU THINKWAS GOING TO DO OF MIGHTY ONE? STOP JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESENCE? no. When the overwhelming urge hit me-the shakes the terrible cold the wanting to die-when that hit me I had to eat I had to get as much sugar in me as possible. Everything was locked except the bins which they did not seem to have thought about but unfortunately somebody else had beaten me to them. So I went out and to my utter shame I ate outside albeit surrounded by bushes. Had I been caught the shame would have been worse than had been caught totally naked and Wang Qing. If you don't have an eating disorder you have no idea what I'm talking about and I assure you I am so grateful that you don't know what I'm talking about. Anorexia/Bulimia are not self-inflicted diseases just as a Agoraphobia is not. any form of self harm is not. I still have scars up both arms where I used to cut myself. Luckily for me that was the final resort and my scars have all but faded so they are not visible unless I point them out to you.

This is why I say that all survivors become abusers. If we do not abuse others we abuse ourselves. I do believe that there is something about us that is broken beyond repair. But that is not an excuse to carry on with self-destructive behaviour or behaviour that destroys others. (Excuse me while I go and kill Megan. well now that has been taken care of. it was quite a messless job really)

What infuriates me is that there is very little in the way of knowledgeable help even in 2014 for people such as I was. It took me from 1975 until 1994 to find the right help. In the meantime I met all sorts of charlatans, sexual abusers, religious nutters, and people who believe that if I licked a little bit of ash that was supposedly part of Sai BaBa;s body I I would become well. I do have a very funny story about one of my experiences but that can wait. I met a lot of people whose only interest in me was to take advantage of me either financially or bodily or they were just on an ego trip and sincerely believed that their claptrap was going to help me.

They say the anorexia/bulimia is all about control. I still have my doubts about it but one day as I was driving to the pool I saw a rather rough looking boy walking along the side of the Dyke shirtless. he was skinny and hard. I knew at that moment in my 50s that that is what it had all been about I wanted to look like that because I believe if I looked like that my father would find me acceptable and others would stop bullying me. I still did not realise that it was my homosexuality that was the issue.

In yesterday's post I wrote about what I did to hide the fact that I was manic. You did not want to find yourself in a mental institution in the 70s or 80s for that matter and from my experience in 94 not then either. They were run by people who did not know what they were on about despite the letters after their name and in front of their name. Many were abusive and condescending. There was the occasional star to keep the light on but otherwise one flew over the Cuckoo's nest got it pretty well right. I thought about film when it first came out and I just knew that that was where I was headed and two years later that's where I was. I stupidly thought it would be much better and safer for me than being at home. It was far worse. I ran away several times but always got caught and brought back and put in solitary confinement and locked up. On one of these escapes I made it down as far as the ocean and there is a bridge between the mainland and one of the islands and I jumped off into the sea however it was a dark and stormy night and I did not know that the tide was out and when I jumped all I heard was SPLAT! and then I had to clear my way through this foul smelling bad until I got the bank were right cleaned myself up as much as I could by rolling around on the grass and I took myself left to the nearest police station and explained that I was a nutter who have escaped from the funny farm, which is what we has torture the camps were called. Fhe funny farm probe them to bring me back but the policeman refused to do so. Instead they called a taxi who took me back and I had to pay for it. £17 which in 1975 note 1977 I mean was a lot of money. they took it out of my care money and they only gave me pies to wheat for the next two weeks so of course I didn't eat.

I did not stop to bring under control this disease until I was in my 30s and yes the thought has already crossed my mind and that of my doctors that the gut problem I have and the bone problem I have could well be the result of that disease. I grew another 2 inches taller when I started to eat properly.

I still get a high out of not eating and overeating on sugar still brings me down and gives me a good night sleep. I rarely do either. I will tell you right now that the one sure way of placing me off is nagging me about my food. To me it is a very private matter despite the fact that I've written all of this to the world to see but my day-to-day eating is a private matter and matter what you say it will not change anything. I.e. to the way that I eat. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be like other people, like my husband, who enjoys his food and he eats absolutely anything yet if I ate what he ate I would be in serious trouble. One of the physical problems which I think is caused by the eating disorder rather than causes the eating disorder is that I produce too much insulin for the amount of sugar have eaten so that eating a doughnut for a normal person would not affect their weight but from me that doughnut would immediately be turned into fat because of the amount of insulin I would have released to deal with it.

I'm going to come to a compromise. I am going to leave this post here but I'm also going to post it on my blogs because then I am keeping my promise to my blog readers who are not on Facebook. It is good for me too because then I can stop feeling guilty about making a promise but I haven't kept to.

I was a agoraphobic for many years, I was obsessed with counting in my head find the in extremis I still do that. When I did eat I had to eat my food in a particular order and preferably in separate files that did not intermix just like that boy in the mysterious case of the missing dog in the night-time. I got such a huge identification reading that book. My doctor says that I am on the autistic spectrum but I would say that I was high functioning..I'm just so sick and tired of labels.

My name is Colin. That is my label purely for identification purposes. Colin has had many different experiences and most of them have been very painful but they have made me very understanding and compassionate toward other people. Colin is happy with that and Colin is still a work in progress and will be until the day I leave my body and even then I will continue to grow as I believe we all wil. however those are my beliefs and I don't care to hoots whether you believe that will not because if you don't believe it I shall be there on the other side when you take your last breath and I will be sticking my tongue out and waving my fingers at you going 'ya ya ya ya.'

GOSH, NOW I'M REALLY LETTING IT ROLL

I was very tempted to stay in bed. It is cold and miserable and so am I. Although I am not really miserable I feel the way I always feel until my drugs kick in. John is still in bed.

I am still in a quandary as to whether to give you a long one or a short one but this morning I think I'm just in a go with how it flows.

On Thursday John told me he would not be home that evening or at least the latest he could get home would be the 11:30 PM train at Peterborough which would be far too late for me to go picking him up because of drug timing etc. I was also less than pleased with him because he promised me that he would not ever be doing anything on a Thursday evening and this is about the third time he has done this and it is not a case of him having to it is a case of him wanting to. Anyway 8:30 the following morning and I still haven't had a phone call from him so I called him and he groggily answered the phone. I had a few choice words to say and I went about my day which included swimming. When I returned home at almost 2 PM he was in bed. I still was assuming he had a hangover but it turns out he ate lobster on Thursday night and I think he had a case of food poisoning because the reason he found it so awful when I called him was because he had spent all night in the loo and only got home through the use of Imodium. He spent most of yesterday in bed although towards the end of the day he did not look pale and we did manage to do that bit of shopping we needed at Tesco. I feel torn between feeling sorry for him for being sick because I know awful that feels and annoyed with him for having broken his promise and had a night out with the boys on Thursday night.

In case the people a lot in this country didn't notice we did not have a winter here. They may have had one in Scotland which is much further north but it couldn't have been much of one because I don't remember much in the way of reports and you know what newspaper like any minor incident and its full p•age news. Well so far we haven't had spring either. In fact the weather doesn't seem to have changed. It is still dull and wet though it is warmer but still with frost at night.

I have no idea what John intends doing today about while he is still in bed I am going to knit and watch the ninth series of Grey's Anatomy. I am flummoxed by this program. I hate it. It is utter rubbish. Very melodramatic. And yet I'm on the night series and will watch as many episodes as I can back-to-back. Which for someone who hates it and thinks it's utter rubbish is very strange indeed. Perhaps I don't hate it perhaps it's a bit like sitting and eating a whole box of liquorice allsorts in one go. You really know you ought not because it is just sugar and liquorice and no good fee whatsoever and certainly will do nothing to educate you accept that Yang should have been written out in the first series. How does that woman have friends let alone a husband.

I have just figured out why my post tend to be long. Because I sit here waiting for my drugs to work and I can't sit here doing nothing so I type whatever comes out of my mouth. And you never know I might find the answer to the universe and everything just by rambling I could just hit upon it and peace reign upon this earth. Now wouldn't that be great. especially if I could do whatever I want to do that harm anybody and I could eat whatever I wanted and remain trim. Now that is a piece of growth I said trim I did not say skinny. whereas before anything more than 185 meant I was hideously fat and had no right to go out my door. and I am not kidding. I can't remember size is a mention that period of my life but it was shipped another example of self harm. I always wore whatever clothes I had which were dull and I covered that with a very long coat come winter or summer and I would sneak out to the shops usually to buy a record. If I went on an eating binge I would do the same except that I would go to several different shops because I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't possibly by more than a couple of food items in any one shop because I was convinced they all knew that I was going to go on and eating binge. I would get home go into my bedroom well my bedsit or my squat lock the door and start unwrapping as if I hadn't ever read and I would stuff myself silly and fall asleep. It felt absolutely wonderful it was piece last the fight was over just for then. Of course I had to face what I had done when I woke up. I would flush everything I had left down the toilet and if it was too large for that I would go out in the dead of night and dump it in a public waste bin far from where I lived. Sometimes the urge to binge which is completely overwhelming and uncontrollable I would eat dog kibble and I have eaten out of dustbins. Can you see now why I never ever want to return to the Colin of those days. I know I had the disease and the lightbulb just went off in my head I am telling you and I'm telling you the worst of it without holding anything back. I used to take 30 Nylax the day because I never did quite get the hang of making myself vomit and I once swallowed a toothbrush in the attempt and I only just managed to retrieve it. I did eventually get put into a world-famous Anorexic unit run by a complete and utter attract whose surname was that of a food which was not an irony I found funny although I do sometimes find it funny now. I went because I thought I would be treated with love and kindness and someone would listen to me about the abuse I had survived. I could not have been more wrong I was given my own room but that room was glass so that they could see me 24 seven. I was treated like a prisoner and not like a patient with the disease. It was terrible. I was eventually discharged in disgrace because I dared to binge, WHAT THE FUCK DI YOU THINKWAS GOING TO DO OF MIGHTY ONE? STOP JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESENCE? no. When the overwhelming urge hit me-the shakes the terrible cold the wanting to die-when that hit me I had to eat I had to get as much sugar in me as possible. Everything was locked except the bins which they did not seem to have thought about but unfortunately somebody else had beaten me to them. So I went out and to my utter shame I ate outside albeit surrounded by bushes. Had I been caught the shame would have been worse than had been caught totally naked and Wang Qing. If you don't have an eating disorder you have no idea what I'm talking about and I assure you I am so grateful that you don't know what I'm talking about. Anorexia/Bulimia are not self-inflicted diseases just as a Agoraphobia is not. any form of self harm is not. I still have scars up both arms where I used to cut myself. Luckily for me that was the final resort and my scars have all but faded so they are not visible unless I point them out to you.

This is why I say that all survivors become abusers. If we do not abuse others we abuse ourselves. I do believe that there is something about us that is broken beyond repair. But that is not an excuse to carry on with self-destructive behaviour or behaviour that destroys others. (Excuse me while I go and kill Megan. well now that has been taken care of. it was quite a messless job really)

What infuriates me is that there is very little in the way of knowledgeable help even in 2014 for people such as I was. It took me from 1975 until 1994 to find the right help. In the meantime I met all sorts of charlatans, sexual abusers, religious nutters, and people who believe that if I licked a little bit of ash that was supposedly part of Sai BaBa;s body I I would become well. I do have a very funny story about one of my experiences but that can wait. I met a lot of people whose only interest in me was to take advantage of me either financially or bodily or they were just on an ego trip and sincerely believed that their claptrap was going to help me.

They say the anorexia/bulimia is all about control. I still have my doubts about it but one day as I was driving to the pool I saw a rather rough looking boy walking along the side of the Dyke shirtless. he was skinny and hard. I knew at that moment in my 50s that that is what it had all been about I wanted to look like that because I believe if I looked like that my father would find me acceptable and others would stop bullying me. I still did not realise that it was my homosexuality that was the issue.

In yesterday's post I wrote about what I did to hide the fact that I was manic. You did not want to find yourself in a mental institution in the 70s or 80s for that matter and from my experience in 94 not then either. They were run by people who did not know what they were on about despite the letters after their name and in front of their name. Many were abusive and condescending. There was the occasional star to keep the light on but otherwise one flew over the Cuckoo's nest got it pretty well right. I thought about film when it first came out and I just knew that that was where I was headed and two years later that's where I was. I stupidly thought it would be much better and safer for me than being at home. It was far worse. I ran away several times but always got caught and brought back and put in solitary confinement and locked up. On one of these escapes I made it down as far as the ocean and there is a bridge between the mainland and one of the islands and I jumped off into the sea however it was a dark and stormy night and I did not know that the tide was out and when I jumped all I heard was SPLAT! and then I had to clear my way through this foul smelling bad until I got the bank were right cleaned myself up as much as I could by rolling around on the grass and I took myself left to the nearest police station and explained that I was a nutter who have escaped from the funny farm, which is what we has torture the camps were called. Fhe funny farm probe them to bring me back but the policeman refused to do so. Instead they called a taxi who took me back and I had to pay for it. £17 which in 1975 note 1977 I mean was a lot of money. they took it out of my care money and they only gave me pies to wheat for the next two weeks so of course I didn't eat.

I did not stop to bring under control this disease until I was in my 30s and yes the thought has already crossed my mind and that of my doctors that the gut problem I have and the bone problem I have could well be the result of that disease. I grew another 2 inches taller when I started to eat properly.

I still get a high out of not eating and overeating on sugar still brings me down and gives me a good night sleep. I rarely do either. I will tell you right now that the one sure way of placing me off is nagging me about my food. To me it is a very private matter despite the fact that I've written all of this to the world to see but my day-to-day eating is a private matter and matter what you say it will not change anything. I.e. to the way that I eat. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be like other people, like my husband, who enjoys his food and he eats absolutely anything yet if I ate what he ate I would be in serious trouble. One of the physical problems which I think is caused by the eating disorder rather than causes the eating disorder is that I produce too much insulin for the amount of sugar have eaten so that eating a doughnut for a normal person would not affect their weight but from me that doughnut would immediately be turned into fat because of the amount of insulin I would have released to deal with it.

I'm going to come to a compromise. I am going to leave this post here but I'm also going to post it on my blogs because then I am keeping my promise to my blog readers who are not on Facebook. It is good for me too because then I can stop feeling guilty about making a promise but I haven't kept to.

I was a agoraphobic for many years, I was obsessed with counting in my head find the in extremis I still do that. When I did eat I had to eat my food in a particular order and preferably in separate files that did not intermix just like that boy in the mysterious case of the missing dog in the night-time. I got such a huge identification reading that book. My doctor says that I am on the autistic spectrum but I would say that I was high functioning..I'm just so sick and tired of labels.

My name is Colin. That is my label purely for identification purposes. Colin has had many different experiences and most of them have been very painful but they have made me very understanding and compassionate toward other people. Colin is happy with that and Colin is still a work in progress and will be until the day I leave my body and even then I will continue to grow as I believe we all wil. however those are my beliefs and I don't care to hoots whether you believe that will not because if you don't believe it I shall be there on the other side when you take your last breath and I will be sticking my tongue out and waving my fingers at you going 'ya ya ya ya.'

Saturday, May 10, 2014

VERY LUCKY MAN


This last couple of weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster. I came the closest I have come to believing that my life was over and not worth living.

I have gone from that to feeling excited that I can carry on for a while yet. I am totally astonished at the time to less people have shown me.

I am also totally astonished that I let a person  I have been friends with  4 to 3 years  hear me  me at my very worst I didn't just let players drop I really let everything out from the bottom my gut. One of the things that really surprised me was how much of that pain was to do with my disease. It has started to become very real. Not that it wasn't before but I was able to live much more independently and I was having to give up showing dogs because of it. I was absolutely brokenhearted. Much to my surprise she was still there on the end of the phone when all that pain had come out. She is only the fourth person in my life that has heard me in that state. She knows who she is and she knows how very grateful I am that she did not reject me at that point. She was there for me when it really counted and I feel all emotional now when I think about what she did for me. People, you have no idea how truly listening can save lives. As she herself said we make very strange friends but there is something that attaches us together and neither of us know what that is because we are very different with very different pasts. I think it is because I accept her and she accepts me as we are and we don't try and change each other. I was also blunt with her and told her that I am the man child and I will always be and some of what we have experienced which was unpleasant might well happen again because sometimes I cannot help the child part of me having the upper hand and that child is still terrified and un-trusting and always imagines the worst or imaginings something bad is being planned behind my back. I was just wondering whether I should be writing about this and I've decided that I should because this is a part of me that really causes me to feel ashamed of myself and I have found that by writing about the things that I find unacceptable about myself helps me come to peace with it. There are some damages that a child experiences that can never be fixed. They can however be lived with but it does make relationships difficult and that is why I am so very grateful for the friends I have in my life because I know how high maintenance I am and I can assure you there is no joke in me using that term high maintenance. I am not talking about money or close all boots or shoes or anything like that. I am just high maintenance as a person.

I also find being with people extremely tiring no matter how much I may love them and there are times when I cannot see them or speak to them on the telephone and when I do speak with them on the telephone I can speak sometimes for hours and when I see them I can sometimes see them all day long and other times just for an hour or so.

I cannot believe how lucky I am that I have friends who are willing to deal with this in order to be my friend. And as for having had a husband to nearly 33 years that just blows my mind.

The long and short of it is: I have a handler for any of my dogs but in this case it will be Megan and Megan will go on live with my handler next weekend. There is no secret I just feel it isn't right to mention who she is until she does. I really like this lady and so does John and with John like somebody I know I am not going to get screwed. But this lady and I have a particular talent we share and that makes us very special.

John will be coming to the shows with me after all. Having been adamant the years that he would never come to that general championship shows with me he has now changed his mind. (I know that somebody spoke with him and I will leave it at that. I haven't been told either by John or by the person I think spoke to him but that is what I believe happened.) I have always wanted John to be at the shows with me and not just because he can help me but I always felt uncomfortable when people asked me why he didn't come to the shows with me. Of course if he was still working full-time there is no way he could come.

I cannot believe that I will be able to carry on showing and that if Mary Grace gets made up it will be because I showed her although that does not count out the possibility of her having to be shown by somebody else on the day.

I really did not realise how scared I am about where my illness is going and by how much it hurts me that I cannot just show my dogs without all the paraphernalia, drugs, and the general shit it that it takes.  I am amazed I have lasted this long.

I am amazed at the comments that get left here, loving one's, healing ones, helpful ones, kind ones,. Just knowing how many people are out there rooting for me as astonishing as me. I am going to have to be strict with myself so that I can continue with my other gifts of knitwear design and the armed painting. Those letters and Yarm painters that have abandoned my page have done so because I write so little about it and I haven't been publishing photographs of what I've done. My actual friendship numbers have not dropped but the comments from my knitting community have all but disappeared and that is my fault because and I now know what my doctor meant about me being in denial. All I was actually able to do was keep my dogs groomed and washed. They caused a lot of pain and fatigue and left no room for anything else.

Once again I feel guilty for writing such a long post but I know that those interested enough in me to read them to the end and it is clear that they do from the comments they make.

I FEEL GUILTY FOR NEGLECTING MY SURVIVOR FOLLOWERS BUT PLEASE KNOW YOU CAN CONTAVT ME DRIECTLY IF NEED BE :- apso AT tantra-apso dot com

I will get back to the Colin that you are all used to but ever since my wedding much has happened that has been extremely stressful for me including the deterioration in my physical condition and I have been pretending that everything is okay when I was lying through my teeth even to my doctor who was astute enough to know that I was lying. Mind you I even full to her that I was not having a manic phase by stuffing myself full of  tranquillisers.  when I knew the mania was over I stopped the bills immediately and of course went into withdrawal and then my doctor did find out what I had been up to and guess what? Her reaction was just so loving and so kind and she understood why did it because she knew that my only experience of psychiatry was in the 70s and I was petrified of being locked up in a cell as if I were a prisoner and being held down while my pants were pulled down and I was injected with chlorpromazine. She told me then that that would never happen to me again not ever. She also made it clear that she did not consider me mentally ill at all. She just said that I had been under tremendous stress and it was bound to come out in some why and in my way it comes out with mania followed by depression. And indeed that is what happened. Now she has gone and I am slowly getting used to my new one. But anyhow that is quite enough. I just wanted you to know how wonderful life can be just when you thought it was over. And I cannot describe the feeling of finding out those people who love you people you didn't even know did.

I am very fortunate man.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Major Change

 I think there are going to be a few changes around here and that I will be getting back to the original purpose of this blog the sharing of my knitting and dyeing adventures but also sharing the journey of recovering from childhood abuse and I have come to realise that many of my readers were victims of other forms of abuse and may still found solace here.

I have had to stop showing my dogs. This has been what has kept me from being able to knit and dye like I used to which I missed terribly.

The decision to quit showing dogs has been a very painful and difficult decision to come to but an absolutely necessary one. Before my last doctor left which if you didn't read it on Facebook left me feeling bereft and emotionally a mess.  I was not expecting it and I later learned that the whole practice had been told that they were not to tell me and that she would tell me herself at our very last appointment because she knew how I would react. At first I pretended she hadn't said it and I carried on talking about how I was. She had arranged a future meeting between me and her and my new Dr and my husband because he is also going to be her patient. By that time I had worked through enough to see the situation in an adult way and that I was not being abandoned and that my doctor was a human being who had advised to live and decisions to make for which he did not need my permission. I also found out because I asked if she had received the letter I wrote her telling her how much of a different she had made to my life that she too found it very difficult to leave me.

So give me a little bit of time and this blog will return more to its original purpose but bear in mind I have changed as a person, I have grown, and I fully intend sharing that which I find will be helpful to others and not just myself. There will be staff I will not share because despite my openness I do not share everything  because I have other people to think about. 

I really do apologise to those survivors who came regularly to my blog only to be disappointed that yet again I had not written anything. I would not change what I did because I have grown a great deal in the last few years and I have learned much more which I can share.

And for the fibre- artist people  among you you will definitely be seeing more of that. 

 I believe I have made the right decision now to stop showing my dogs. I fulfilled the dream that that 12 year old boy had  in that I owned a top winning dog and I also bred a top winning dog and the dogs I have around me at home are all top-quality dogs.

I am not making any promises because I don't know where I am headed healthwise nor life wise. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

BEING LIKED OR PREPARE TO DIE

We all like to be liked. However, with abuse survivors this desire to be liked can be dangerous and almost pathological. I certainly know that when I was younger I would do whatever I could do to please anybody just so that they would like me. It never occurred to me that I may not like them.

For me not being liked represented danger. If you didn't like me you are likely to harm me and so of course I did what I could to make you like me. This led me to be a chronic people pleaser and led me to very humiliating situations.

Mostly this situation has changed as I have and I no longer fear not being liked though this is not always the case. As with any recurrent illness I very occasionally become scared of people when it is apparent to me that they do not like me especially when I have had no dealings with them and when I have gone out of my way to have dealings with them it has not gone well at all. Not only as fine a completely humiliated myself but have never once felt goodwill toward me from them. This has nothing to do with friendship. It was purely to do with fear. In my mind they didn't like me and they were therefore a danger to me. One of them had already shown on more than one occasion that the fear was realistic at least from her I have thought of little else but I do realise that all of this with regard to another couple has been in my head I think. I do not think that they have goodwill toward me but I also do not think that they wish me any harm either and that is the part of the child Colin that still feels that not being liked means danger. Now that child Colin wasn't paranoid. He had every reason to believe that if he wasn't liked he was going to get hurt and that is exactly what happened every single time. Hence I have spent a lot of my adult life being afraid and being especially afraid of people. I have some very good friends now, most of them women. It is obvious that my relationships would mainly be with women as it was men who harmed me (or boys at school who bullied me and where I humiliated myself the most as I would do anything to prevent being spat on, kicked and punched, called shit  as my nickname and often in class where the teachers did nothing to stop it.  I was completely friendless at school and fully expected that that would be my life. So it is now no mystery to you why I am so surprised with my life and so clearly shows you where the fear comes from.)

 And this has not been a problem for many years now especially for the last 10 accept it has reared its ugly head again this last while. Adult Colin accepts that for whatever reason I am not liked and that is perfectly okay and does not mean that I am in danger. Child Colin of course believes that it is danger. I have just realised something I've never realised before. This is the situation where the adult Colin can parent the child Colin and explained to him that not being liked by these people does not mean they are going to kill me in my extreme fear or just do me some damage in my  less extreme symptom.

I have never written about this before because once again it is something that I am terribly ashamed of. In the recent situation I humiliated myself deeply.  Who would want to admit to such a stupid and illogical well I would because I'm keeping to my promise of being authentic.

 I can feel that I am very close to being able to close the door on this without anybody else needing to do anything. Now that the adult Colin understands that the child Colin has had the upper hand in this situation for quite some time.  And now that I am aware of this I can do what is needed for the child Colin and the problem will resolve itself. 

 Often we dislike a person just because they remind us of somebody in the past who made them feel  uncomfortable or frightened them  and all of that can be totally unconscious.  as an example there was a man at the dog shows who still is at the dog shows whom I did not like at all. I wouldn't show under him  and I avoided him. One day I happened to look up as I was knitting in my wheelchair and I saw him walking towards me and I felt tremendous fear and I suddenly realised that this poor man that I had judged as being a bad man had only reminded me of the man who had hurt me seriously when a child. Once I realise this I always responded to his hello and have shown under him. 

I hope for my own sake that the other situation is resolved very quickly in my mind t

Saturday, April 12, 2014

AUTHENTICITY

It is time for a new post.

I have not been at all with it recently in fact for the last few months I have not been as well as I have been. This has caused a little consternation amongst my Facebook friends and others. Whilst I find this comforting and really surprising that people are that interested in me, I also find that it puts pressure upon me to lie and not tell the truth. And this blog is not about that. It is about telling the truth but it seems that when I do tell the truth a lot of people disappear and no longer read what I write. I would be a liar if I said that this did not upset me because it does. I sometimes think I am a marionette on a string and  they pull me this way and that way. I end up staying away from the computer. There are those too  who have told me that they do not read my "negative posts" and this is a long time dear friend who obviously can't take me as I am.  I guess that comment hurt.

 When I started to write this blog it was away from me to express my hurting,  my pain,  and to my surprise it did indeed begin to make me feel better. I wrote only about the subject of child abuse and its effects. However, it soon became apparent that I had readers and they would write to me and tell me their stories often in the comments section. One day it occurred to me that that remaining anonymous as I was as Knitman,  was not  fair when writing how there is no shame in being abused and here I was hiding who I am. I  I stopped hiding who I was. For some reason this brought in even more mail  from other survivors.

 Slowly, I began to lose myself in all this writing back to people. "But I am learning so much… These people have somewhere they can share their secrets which they have kept fears… I cannot abandon them…) So I stayed with it slowly losing myself along the road.

Then 10 years ago I was diagnosed with four serious diseases in one go: culinary heart disease, fibromyalgia, a neurological disease which the neurologist know about but not enough research has been done into it yet to be able to give a definitive diagnosis which to me means a name I don't want a disease that doesn't have a name: Spondylosis (  
which has a name in front of it but I can never remember what it is)but it is causing my spine to crumble, to fall apart. I can recall an argument I had with the nurse who was doing my annual MOT  and I insisted to her that I was 5'10" tall and had been all of my life once I have matured. I insisted that she measured my height again and she got the same answer. I said then you need to height gauge recalibrated. She was very understanding in that I didn't want to recognise the obvious although it really had not occurred to me that the reason I was losing height was because of what was happening to my spine.

Of course I said about this too and I received some very kind letters and some not so kind letters and some bombastic letters which told me that they knew a sure way of curing me and others who found yet another way of blaming me for my abuse; I was like this because I had not done the mental and spiritual work on myself because if I had I would be fit and healthy.  I do not feel well disposed towards such people and find it amusing that so many  New Age people are as fundamentalist as the fundamentalists they detest!

It became more and more difficult for me to share how I felt every day as I started all of my posts because I felt I was letting people down. I wish I could say it was my imagination but some people on Facebook  has been quite blunt  in saying how they miss the old Colin who was always  "up beat and always had something wise and wonderful to say".

 I am a mixture of all of these things. Through the latter half of 2011 and well into 2012 I suffered a bipolar disorder episode which I kept entirely to myself. I hid it at home from John and even from my doctor and I did this by using large amounts of tranquillisers.  Why did I do this? Because How could I possibly  be having an episode after 15 years of not having one and how could I possibly tell anybody my doctor and John to different reasons but the people on my blog and on Facebook?  So eventually in late 2012 or possibly early 2013 I came out and spoke about my illness and that I had just come out of a relatively bad patch.  I don't think it was received very well. It didn't fit in with the Colin they came to read  and who had lied to them by not telling the truth from the beginning but then if they understood bipolar disorder they would know that for the first six months I had no idea there was anything wrong with me it was only when I came down and was feeling depressed that I began to see what I had been through.

I'm going to go back to writing how I actually am each day and not fake it to make it.  This doesn't represent a change really it just means going back to being the authentic Colin. c

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

MADE A MESS OF PREVIOUS POST

Okay I made a mess of my previous post. It wasn't about my previous abuse. It was about my present disease and how I am having trouble coming to terms with it. It is my disease I have been in denial about, nothing else. The fear is about my disease and it's progresssion. And the fear of not having a Dr to see me through it. Modern doctory has changed and we willl no longer have v the same Dr. It is likely when my disease reaches it's end stage, I will have total stranger as my Dr.

THAT is what my post was supposed to be about. I some how gave the impression it was about accepting by past. I am sorry, not it wasn't. I have dealt with that.

Monday, March 17, 2014

FEAR

I don't know how to start this blog off. Be warned it is not going to be like previous posts. It will be hard to write because I always write the truth as I see it. We must always be truthful.   Even if we are truthful only to one other person in life.  Yet he is the last person on earth that I would tell this to. I I feel afraid. I have been feeling afraid for quite some time. Seeing my doctor on Friday confirmed to me that I was indeed in a state of fear which the circumstances would probably not have told me. however she felt I needed to be told bluntly because it was obvious to her that I had basically ignored what I had in my mind because I don't really want to get down to what is really bothering me.

I asked John that if he were to die in his sleep tonight would he feel that he had had a good life and had an achieving life. He said that yes he had he was very satisfied with the work that he had done and the changes he had made which have made his organisation much better he even had to spend a week in the Houses of Parliament being questioned.  This did a huge amount of good  and although people will still think that the organisation that he is an expert on it was very stressful time for him to his then.


I I am trying to get to the point. I think that my life has been wasted. Yes I have had some success in the dog show world but that has no importance at all in the wider scheme of things. I have had both men and women write to me  telling me the most intimate details of their childhood experiences which I have found very moving and I felt very privileged that these people trusted me enough to tell me stuff that they have never told a soul there are questions that I cannot remember the answers I gave but are always tell pe wake upe that it doesn't matter whether you are a high born all a low born person, abuse  is abuse and it affects ALL of us there are those who are like it it because of past abuse but it;s effects a life time.  abuse. I have BECAUSE most  selfish. It has made me  selfish.  and I have lied.

I have lied by saying that I have a wonderful life now in comparison to the awful nightmare I used to live day and do not. That was not true. I believed or tried to  b perhaps one day you will be able to see me walking without the use of anything.

I'm going to stop writing now because I have got lost and have gone away from what I originally wanted to write about which is this: I am not this  hero type of person that a lot of people seem to think that I am. I would feel much safer if I lived on the island with very few people.

There are people in my life that I love and none of what I say is having a dig at them because I feel so lucky that they would even have bothered with such a mess in the first place. Most especially John.  Why on earth he has put up with me for so long I do not know. And please no one tell me I am depressed because I am not even my doctor doesn't think I am but she thinks I haven't yet truly gone through the grieving process but it seems to me asked in my whole life go through grieving processes when really I would just like to flocking well on with.  may be it's just self-pity. If I knew what it was I could work through it but I'm at the point where I just don't want to see a doctor.

 if you have managed to read this far you will see that I have written all over the place instead of sticking to just one subject which again is me and my selfishness.

 kind thoughts on this are welcome. T

Sunday, March 09, 2014

EMBARRASSED BY DISEASE

 I do not feel good. As you all know until recently I have handled my disabilities really well. That was when it didn't really get in the way that much.  Now it is really beginning to bite.

Our desire to visits Stockholm has gone out the window because there is no way I can drive there.  I used to be able to drive to my friends in Copenhagen in one day.

It has always been the case that dog shows exhaust me the following day. Now it is taking me longer  to recover than the one day it used to. I got up at 1 PM and of course I have taken my drugs.

 I said to John that my friend Gail who took me to the show yesterday  has gone to the cinema and my other friends Wendy and Drew are going back to Crufts.  What I was really trying to tell him  was that this upsets me and brings home the fact of my disease to me. I would love to be able to go out today. It is a beautiful sunny day. John did not react to what I said in the way that I expected and it felt to me like he didn't understand at all what I meant by what I said.

I know there is nothing I can do about my condition but I really do wish that people would take into consideration more than they do. Of course when it makes people laugh they do not notice it is only when what I do could be construed as being rude to they seem to notice.

I had forgotten that veterans are shown first at Crufts. I suddenly heard clapping so I turned around and I saw that dogs had been placed. I panicked thinking it was the puppy class and that Alexander should be in the ring ready to be judged in the junior class so I ran in with him, well hobbled as quickly as I could, only to the steward to tell me that I didn't have my ring number on so I rushed back and my friend passed it to me and put it on. So I went back. Only for the steward to tell me that I wasn't in this class. I said yes I am and I have the tickets to prove it and I showed him that I had entered the junior class he said this is not the junior class this as the puppy class. Of course people found that very funny and I wasn't embarrassed at all I've got used to that part of my disease.

But other people have not got used to that part of my disease. I felt embarrassed to tell John how I felt  and so got upset with him for not realising what I was saying about my friends being out today.

Yesterday didn't start off well. I didn't feel well at all. And it wasn't until after I had taken my second lot of drugs that I began to feel glad to be there. For the first few hours I just sat and knitted. It took all my strength not to tell people who came up to me to talk about my knitting to fuck off.   It would have been very unkind of me to do so because I do understand that people come up and talk to me about it because they are surprised to see a man knitting and they are surprised to see that I'm knitting a very complicated Aaron or what they see as very complicated and many of the people who ask are genuine knitters themselves so that is why they are talking to me about it.

 Yesterday, when I did start to feel better it was because I had taken a double dose of tramadol. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this because I discovered that tramadol is available in 50 mg 100 milligram and 200 mg tablets  so I felt it would be safer me to take another hundred milligrams.  it made all the difference it even made a great deal of difference to the pain I was in.

I also made the mistake of not taking my drugs until I arrived at  Crufts.  I did this because I didn't want to take a lot more than my allotted dose. I am allowed to take more morphine but yesterday would have been  meant taking quite a lot more over my allotted dose. It was a stupid thing to have done because I am not a good driver if I am not medicated and it possibly contributed me to feeling crap even after I had taken my drugs.

On a positive note, people were very complimentary about my outfit and I have lost count of the amount of people that are asked to photograph me some of which I think were professional but most were using their phones. I was very surprised at the amount of men who complimented me on my dress sense. I enjoy that. And I think that these men who come up and tell me how classy look to have a lot of courage doing that. All of these men are straight as far as I can tell and as far as I can tell no gay men have ever done so! Life is strange.

So I feel not brilliant today, a bit down, and more than a little upset that even my nearest and dearest have to have it spelt out to them how I feel.

 None of you know her but my friend Gail was of such enormous help to me yesterday and I would have found the day extremely difficult without her. In fact I wonder if I could do Crufts at all without a helper.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

MOANING MINI

It has been a very difficult time for me recently. For quite a number of months. I just don't seem to be able to shift this depression.

Oh I can still put on my act when I go to the supermarket and dog shows. A lot of the time I just do not want to be there and would rather be under my duvet.

Yesterday went for my swim and I did consider whether I'll to before I went but decided I was only feeling down and that swim would do me good. I was wrong. I only just managed to do half of my normal session and practically had to be carried to the changing room. The good side of this is once again it shows how good the staff are at the pool that I use. And it was made very clear to me that if I was not out within 15 minutes they would be coming in. I was extremely wobbly and my balance mechanism was extremely dodgy. Once I'm in the car I am perfectly all right because I'm sitting down and I don't have to balance anything. Twice I have had the police called on me because a good minded citizen and I'm not being sarcastic, has called the police because they have seen a staggering man getting into a car and driving off. Of course they are going to think that I'm drunk.

I just feel very fed up. Just going to the bathroom is a major event. If we go out for any length of time like to dog show or to visit friends or to spend the day in a mall I have to take tablets to stop my bowels working so that I do not need to go to the bathroom and, this is really weird, a diuretic which you would think would have me peeing all day long but it has the opposite effect. Ever since I started taking the diuretic I have been so relieved because prior to that I was having to go to the loo every 20 minutes or thereabouts and waking up in the night several times. Now when I go I pee  at least a litre at a time and therefore much less often. This really is a good thing for me. It is not what I expected from taking the pill.

And then there is getting out of bed. If the post arrives early and they need my signature and I'm still in bed there is no chance that I will get downstairs in time to answer the door. I press one button to get my back completely upright I turn and then press another button that list my bum up until my feet on the floor and I'm stood upright. This is pretty amazing really but it can also be very frustrating.

I feel guilty for moaning about all this. I want to be able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them.

I've been worried a lot about the dog shows recently. I wonder how much longer I can deal with them. It isn't the dog show itself but the aftermath which is extremely painful on the day after dog show and the day after that I still have to do laze about and do nothing.

Yet I look at how lucky I to have all of the things that I have starting with John and the dogs,  a house that suits us very well and the state-of-the-art hi-fi system and computers that we wanted. I do try and concentrate on that but recently it has been very difficult.

I am worried about my dogs.  I have got to the point where I need to amalgamate my two lines. This has been the whole point all along.  yet at the moment I only have one bitch, Megan, and one of these puppies that are not old enough to tell how good they are. But keeping puppies from this letter already gives me enough dogs to take care of and I can't show all of them. I realise that I can show one and when it is either made up or I give up with it I can then take out the one that's been waiting at home for its chance and it will be mature so go straight into open..

I know there are people who think I have too many dogs because of my disease but they don't take into account the time here all day and I have drugs and now that I have changed my grooming routine it is very much easier. I have gone back to the old-fashioned way of daily grooming and at the moment I only have to groom four day and it really doesn't take very long at all and most of all it doesn't hurt. I have yet to see how long I can go between baths with those that her groom every day. Of course I use a spray on their coats because one must never groom a dry coat. But I'm not stupid and I know when I have too many dogs to cope with. And then it will be a matter of trusting others with my  line.

I am of the opinion that if you sell a dog to somebody then all the decisions regarding that dog belonged to the person who bought it and it is no longer my business so I would never sell a dog expecting that person to breed it the way I want it bred. So  high would have to be sure that I have done what I wanted to do first. But anybody who would be looking for a suitable show dog come breeding dog might well strike lucky with me.

I would love to get to the point of the breeder I know who keeps just one bitch and reads a letter and gets a champion every time because they have worked for very many years developing their line. I'm speaking of the Kutani line. I don't have that many years left to get to that point but I'm producing really well in each letter I am getting high quality stock but as I say I have to amalgamate first before I can cut down.

It amazes me what I end up writing about. I did not do myself any favours last night by eating wheat products. I very rarely do because I know the trouble it causes me but sometimes when I feel bad it's very hard to not reach out for comfort and that the time I'm eating it it is very comforting and it also makes me fall into a stupor and I sleep very well. I needn't tell you the effects  it causes me the next day! You'd think I had been out drinking all night because I feel so hung over.  still I will feel better later in the day and I have no one to blame but myself. O

Thursday, January 23, 2014

SEARCHING FOR PEACE

A little while ago when I was having delirium at night-time part of that delirium was believing that two members of my family lived in my house-my mother and my younger (appropriately my voice to type wrote anger instead of younger …) brother. Since then I have had several dreams about him so I did a web search and found out that he is still very much alive and still pushing his lies and running away from the truth. He believes themselves to be some high spirit from another dimension and is here to heal the world and his specialities family healing. Yet he hates me and denies me. And that would be quite funny if it wasn't for the fact that he's ripping people off and many hundreds of dollars. Yes he has become a Guru that people follow and give away their money to in their desperate search for healing of the pain that they suffer not realising that no person can do that but themselves.

I understand people who do this because I was one of them although I never followed any gurus because I knew from a very young age that they could not be trusted I just read an awful lot of new-age style books all of which basically come down to blaming oneself for the pain that others caused one. In other words if you were sexually physically abused or emotionally neglected as a child and as an adult were suffering it was your fault. These books are very clever because they lead to long to yet another book and then another book and then another book. If any of these books also called healing gurus worked you would only need to see them once or you don't need to read one book. But now they real you win and they take advantage of your pain. The fact that my brother does this embarrasses me. I feel sad for him how could I not we had the same sort of upbringing.  He is still wandering the world trying to find his peace.  In doing so he has taken on this altar ego and is damaging other people. We all have our own paths to take and many of us choose pass the ultimately leave us in more pain. I cannot say that this is the wrong path for him because it may well lead him to himself where he will find his ultimate peace.

His way of dealing with our childhoods is to blame me and not parents. We have had two contacts in the last 25 years both of which ended up with him screaming how evil I am.

It makes me realise how lucky I that I did do the work and that are found the right person to help me do that work. The man I saw was far from a guru. He never told me where to go, led me, or told me what was wrong with me. He just gave me the space to tell my story. He did speak because he first needed to undo the damage that religious indoctrination does. I'm sure you've heard of people who leave cults who need the programming. This was the work he had to do with me first because it was preventing me recovering from my abuse as my religious beliefs were making it impossible for me to be truthful and therefore to heal.

I remember for a long time into my sessions with him I was extremely fearful that I was going to be struck down dead because I was speaking out against my family which is something my religious background told me was a wicked thing to do.  For Christians this comes in the  form of honour thy father and my mother.  It was not until I was free of that sort of thinking was able to heal.

One is never completely healed and that was one of the first things I learned. I went into therapy expecting that after a few months I would be healed and that my past would no longer matter and it would no longer have a negative effect on my present. It was one of the first illusions he destroyed. It actually drew me closer to him and made me trust him because he didn't promise me anything. The only thing he did promise me was that he would be there for me 24/7 for as long as I needed him.  he kept his word. I was extremely fortunate. Up until that point I had met a series of quacks and also  legitimately qualified psychotherapists. However none of them committed themselves to helping me heal. I vividly remember one of them digging out a very painful experience which finally got me to cry and fall apart. When this happened the 50 minutes is up and he threw me out. Quite literally. I sat outside in the dark in the rain in my car shaking and crying unable to move and I sat there for almost 3 hours until I was in a fit state to drive. I never went back to that person.

This sent to me looking through various self-help groups wearer was further damaged by strong individuals who thought that they were "there" and had the arrogance to think they could heal others when all they did was cause them more damage.

So I do truly understand the search for peace and the places it can take us and the money it can cost us. I was once full into a three-day seminar by very famous woman at the time. I was doubtful but I was full of hope that perhaps she really did have the answers. She didn't. She was a fraud. How do I know she was a fraud? Because she was abusive. She had stopped me halfway through a question in the public forum and shamed me because she wrongly assumed she knew the rest of the question.  later in private I asked her why she had done that and told her that the questions she thought I was going to ask  wasn't it. And spite in her voice when she replied was all I needed to know that she was a fraud. (I have altered slightly this story because I do not want to identify the person because I do not want any lawsuits!) 

It is an extremely wet day and dark.  By remembering that I need to use my light for at least 20 to 30 minutes every morning it has also made me  remember to write on my blog.

Life for me this last 18 months has been the both very good and not so good. I have been plagued by depression and flashbacks. I could not understand this as everything that was happening around me was good.  Fantastically good.  We were having our house remodelled, we were getting married.  What could I possibly have to be worried about?  People pointed out to me that both of these activities were very stressful and somebody else suggested that having my house torn apart even for a very good reason would affect me very deeply because it was my safety my safe place, almost like it was me that was being torn apart.

During this time it has become obvious that my disease has progressed. The neuropathic disease is much worse and still no name. The neurologist can only say that there are many people who have the same neurological disorder but I have but that as yet research has not come up with a cause or a name because the symptoms differ so widely. I get the most odd sensations in my body of suddenly feeling like something hot has been put on me usually on my legs, or something really cold. I fall over backwards. All of the time backwards. This is I am told one of the reasons that they know it is a neurological problem. I had a three-hour session of being examined and  answering questions.  Various things were done to my body and I was asked to report where I felt the pain all rather just what I felt. The results proved that I wasn't faking which I had begun to wonder. I know that seems weird but as a child I was constantly told there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in the mind and most of the doctors I have a source said the same thing. The tests also showed that my body reacted the way a body with a crumbling spine would. Although I did not know the purpose of the tests I was very pleased to the results. From a non-emotional point of view it was very interesting. Being touched in one place yet feeling it in another. It was also fairly painful examination because it involved lifting my arms and my legs and having them being put in various positions. 

So in the last almost 2 years now I suppose I have done very little in the way of dyeing and hence not added anything to my shop. I have also done very little in the way of knitting. This is partly because I have had a lot of trouble with my hands and there was a period of several weeks where I just could not knit at all. Fortunately I am able to again. I still cannot handwrite but that is no great loss and doesn't cause me a problem. People are very kind and if I have to fill out forms I tell them that I can't write and say they fill out the forms for me and I just do my squiggles signature at the end.

Life is very good for me right now which may seem a strange thing to say to those that know I have still been battling with my depression. Actually battling with is a really stupid thing to say. I dealing with it is more accurate I don't battle with anything.  I get annoyed when I hear people say that such and such a person battled bravely with their disease. I certainly don't I just get on with it. There is nothing I can do about it except live the best I can with it and in that I am successful most of the time. Being a human being I have short periods where I am less able to accept it and just get on with life.

Anyway this is gone on far too long today.