Friday, December 05, 2014

I WAS WRONG

My physical pain has increased a great deal recently. I cannot stand up for more than a few minutes without severe pain from my hips down my legs, both of them. Feeding the dogs has become very difficult because I have to be on my feet for longer than five minutes and by the time I am on to the last two the base of my spine has started to wobble like jelly it is the most peculiar feeling.

The result of this is that I am going to be put on the maximum dose of gabapentin which is for neuropathy and epilepsy although in my case it's for the neuropathy. I'm also to be given 10 mg tablets of morphine which I've only just been taken off to go onto the pink 20 mg tablets and my doctor has told me to take an extra 10 when I am feeding the dogs which means I am going to have to take them an hour before an time it properly. Sometimes I don't think doctors quite get it. I am just going to have to feed the dogs as normal and hope I get to the last two before I fall. 

Yes, I have been falling much more. Only once outside when I went all the way down. This was at the swimming pool. Other times I am with John or talking to someone in Tesco and they grab me when they see part to wobble. People are very kind.

 I have been on 200 mg of  sertraline for almost 2 weeks now and it has definitely made all the difference. I'm not sure that I'm quite back to Colin yet but I'm close.  200 mg is the highest one can go with this drug so if it doesn't do the job completely something else will have to be added. I just hope it doesn't need it. Time will tell. I can't believe though how much I have changed since I've been taking the medication.

I did not believe in depression as an illness before. A lot of the people I knew who were on antidepressants were still flocking depressed or I believe they were just a unhappy or liked to my moan.  I thought that antidepressant drugs were a calm designed to make the drug companies billions in profit.

I was absolutely completely wrong. I had never experienced depression  until now and it has taught me a great deal.  that there is absolutely nothing I could do about it apart from take the medication. It was nothing that I did, it was nothing that happened to me, all the things that did happen to me this year yes caused me to feel grief which is completely different.

With the depression all I wanted to do was die. I lost interest in everything my talents, watching TV, and I could only do the basics for the dogs.  I could see absolutely no point to living and I convinced myself that John would be better off without me.

On the day that I decided I was going to take the mixture of morphine and sleeping pills that would work painlessly by stopping my lungs breathing while I was asleep I received an email from my friend Jane and the cause of the time difference between arrived as I was basically counting out the pills. Whilst I have not read any me emails for a while I read hers and she said something in it that I understood and made sense to me.

She told me that depression has a mind of its own and no matter how much I wouldn't do it because it would hurt John and my friends depression didn't care and depression would make me do things I wouldn't normally do and would make me very easily over the top upset by something somebody said and also one comes to believe that no one truly likes m let alone love me.  all I was to John was a mill around his neck. I really believed all these things and more. 

 Thank goodness for friends with insight who could tell just from my Facebook writing that I was severely depressed and not just unhappy and was rightly scared that I was working up to topping myself. Thank goodness for Facebook. Thank goodness for my ability to write as truthfully as I can. I say as truthfully as I can because we can never be completely certain. A good example was some of what I was writing when I was severely depressed-I was writing truthfully as far as I was concerned but what I was writing wasn't true but because I was in denial I didn't know that. W

Saturday, November 08, 2014

SIDE BALL

 Writing on my blog has been very difficult of late.

I have been suffering from depression and I have tried to hide it. I felt unable to write on here because after all the main reason for writing my blog to help my Fellow survivors.  To share with you how I had recovered from my childhood abuse. Therefore, when I became depressed my first reaction was deep shame and I felt unable to continue to write here. I was writing on Facebook because I was getting instant feedback and it saved my life because two people who knew me and knew how unlike myself I had become and they could read between the lines of what I was saying, that I no longer wanted to live.

This could not have happened on my blog. However I made the fundamental mistake of connecting my depression with my childhood abuse. I have very good GPs and may have explained to me how depression can hit anybody at any time for any reason and to no reason and that it was particularly hard on people like myself who are intelligent and who want to know the ins and outs and the reasons. This has been the most difficult part of this disease. I have no doubt at all now that it is a disease. I started on medication and have gradually increased the dose and I think the next time I see my doctor in two weeks it will be increased once more but that will be the maximum.

Depression can sneak up on you as it did on me. The last 2 1/2 years of my showing dogs that was all I did because I was fighting my disease, my physical disease, which I wasn't going to allow to beat me. It took all the energy I had. I stopped knitting I stopped reading  I stopped everything but swimming. Because all I could do was sleep and bath and groom dogs. I eventually realised I had to stop.

This could well have been the trigger for the depression but and this is the difficult part to understand it is not the reason I am depressed. I have come to terms with the dog showing and I am glad that I no longer do it it is such a relief for me to not do it any more. What is much more telling of my depression is the fact that I do not die yarn or knit any more because I can't find my muse for it.When a person stops doing the the things they love, like I have also stopped listening to music, this is another sign that one may be depressed.

Depression is NOT having an off day feeling miserable. It isn't feeling down for a day or a few days. It is like being swallowed by a big dark cloud and one is trapped. One often wakes, if one can sleep, in tears. Or one doesn't get up at all, stays in pj's, take care of washing themselves, cleaning their teeth etc.It is barely being able to do anything. I have dogs so I have had to feed them. And let them in and out of the garden so I have not been able to stay in bed duvet diving.

I fear that I may have given the impression that once recovered from child, abuse, it was all over and done with. Though I feel sure I must said that there is no no getting over it, just learning to live with it. I don't think I ever covered depression because it never came up. Well now it has and so I am sharing it with with you. 

It is NOT a sure sign of abuse and isn't even a necessary apart of abuse or recovery. It can just happen as it did with me.

I always said I would be honest here and I have avoided being so. Well, now I have been. I am still depressed, depressed enough that I still considered a suicide risk but I have a lot of support and self knowledge and knowledge in general so I am safe.

None of this means that my recovery from abuse was fake or that what I have been sharing with you is fake. It just means I was hit in the head by something I was not expecting.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

LIFE WITH A WONKY BRAIN

I have put our holiday forward yet again this time to 22 February. I realise that 4 January is only eight weeks away and my antidepressants have not settled yet and my eating is not settled yet and I generally am not settled yet. As usual I always think I can do too much too soon. We're still ahead financially because we only had to pay an extra 200 bearing in mind that we'd already been refunded 800.

Last night in bed I suddenly realised I had not taken my nighttime set of pills which are important because they are for my liver and my heart and my brain I started the process of getting up and John said you stay there while going get them and he was gone before I had time to argue but when it came back I said to him why do you do that? I can go and get my own tablets!  he said the kindest thing in reply: I hate to see you struggled to get out of bed when it is much easier for me to just go down and get your pills and get back and you'd still be struggling to get out of bed.  I hadn't even thought of that because I just take my "problems" as part of my daily life and I don't think about them and for two nights a week and days a week I have to deal with myself anyway. I'm afraid I would not be as kind as him not because I am mankind but because I just wouldn't think in the way that he thinks.   I nag at him about his hearing aids  but for completely selfish reasons. When he is not wearing them he does not speak loudly enough for me to hear and I also have to shout at him for him to hear me and I get very tired of that very soon.  It is also dangerous for him to not wear them because he can't hear traffic coming at the   Zebra Crossings. he thinks they will just stop but he is not a driver and doesn't realise that we often don't have the stopping distance that he gives it is taking quite a while to get him to act set his hearing loss fortunately we have a very good audio system and I bought him Grado PS500's  headphones. Yet again I must have foreseen the problems that were going to arise. I can't believe we were both sick during the week of the holiday we had booked and that I moved to January and they have now moved to February. But that move is just more sensible for me to give me enough time to get well properly.

 I do read and take in everything that is written on here even though it appears that I haven't. It just takes some time for the penny to drop with me I can't just read something and change just like that I have too slowly digest it and understand it.  it can take some concepts months to settle into my brain but once it has it has the good and I no longer make that same mistake. I think also because I have followed ill given advice before but I am very wary of it now because I have believed some utter shirt in the past because I have looked up to people while I don't look up to people any more and I don't look down on people any more I look at their eyes. Even beggars on the street I make eye contact with whether I give them anything or not. The eye contact is to show them that I recognise that they are a human being just the same as me but in different circumstances. I do try to keep to the point honestly you should hear me when I'm talking I go all round the world back. So anyway I just wanted to let you know that your messages of encouragement never go ignored even if I forget to click like it's not because I dislike them if I did I have a dislike button I can press.

On the subject of stubbornness: I thought my hands were feeling better and so I started to net a pair of socks on 2 mm needle is after 20 times of having to undergo it having not been able to get past the first two rows. And yet my toes on 2.25 mm needle is went like a dream. So I guess 2 mm needles are no longer a viable option for me and that really does upset me. Only knitters would understand this. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

GETTING THERE A DAY AT A TIME

We have just taken Luque to the vet because we believe he is becoming senile because he is behaving rather oddly. The vet says he is otherwise healthy and he now has tablets to take twice a day which will ensure that plenty of blood gets to his head and see if that makes any difference to his behaviour. he seems quite happy within himself but as just behaved oddly and he did seem to have trouble with his balance on Sunday and sometimes he looks pretty vacant. I think nine years old is a bit young for something like this to happen but it might not be senility but something else which I don't like to think about and like human beings dogs get things the same as we do and it's not all hereditary it's just life and sometimes life isn't smooth and comfortable and happy as we would wish so we would just make the best of it or sit and cry from the rest of it which is not just pathetic but a complete lack of any self worth and strength. It's not fair we are people scream. Well life isn't fair and we just have to get on with it.
I am surprised how quickly I got over the troubles with my friends and it's because I realised that they weren't friends at all and that she had just been using me as a sounding board. Dick head hear loved her and saw her through the many problems that she has had and don't get me wrong they have been serious her death mute son developing epilepsy see developing breast cancer losing a grandchild and she is to come over to me and talk to me about all this over coffee and have a cry and then she would leave and the reason she came to me was good she didn't want me at our house because she wanted to be away from the man however that is not what she told her husband on Monday. she said I wouldn't go to their house because it was too difficult for me. This when he called and threatened me I knew then that I had been right about him all along and also unfortunately right about her role along.
This is going to prove rather expensive because we are having to have our wedding album redone to remove both of them from it. Not out of spite but because I do not want to be reminded of them every time I look at a book that is supposed to bring back just the happiest day of my life and not remind me each time what a decade I was in letting her be one of my witnesses and not following my gut a long time previous that she wasn't really a friend but because of her problems and her cancer I just felt too guilty to cut her out of my life. I got what I got because I didn't do the right thing out of fear. And I often find I don't do the right thing out of fear. I am learning though. I have defended people who I know don't give a toss about me because they haven't written at all during my illness and there can't be anybody who doesn't know about it. I find it very strange that the most support I've got the most loving and caring support that I have got has mainly been through people I don't know and befall those who get upset with me that I do know I am fully aware of your loving support as well. I truly appreciate all of you but I still must give the Goldstar to Jane Kruizenga Brown because she really did save my life and that is not an exaggeration she explained depression as a disease in a way that she knew I would understand and she was right. I don't like to boast but I am a very over intelligent person I say over intelligent because being well above average in intelligence is flocking pain. My doctor fortunately accepts it and never tries to fob me off because she knows I will only go and look it up. I read a lot on physics and the like and so Jane understood that if she explained to me in a simple but scientific way I would get it and I did get it loud and clear and within an hour of her phone call I had my first script and soon after that I had my first antidepressant. They were the wrong one from me but I only took them two days and on the third day I took the right one. And you can all see the change it is made in me. It isn't magic I'm not flying around and I'm still having down days but they are further apart and mostly I feel fairly normal for me.
Anyway I am off to the pool now love to all xoxo a

Sunday, October 26, 2014

MY NEW PATHWAY

This might be the way I blog because I find I reach so many people on FB and I know this because they tell me so privately and publicly. IT would seem the more open I am the more it helps others to gain insight into their own recovery which really surprises me. So as my disease has got much worse I can't do both and this seems ideal. I know some will hate it but I am not God nor superman nor a therapist. I am just a man who chooses to share my lie from childhood onwards in a very public way because it helps

I have come to terms with what has happened with my so-called friends because I realise that they weren't friends all. I never felt comfortable with him and when she used to come over for coffee it was just a dump on me all her problems and then she would go and never listened to me or mine and when the depression hit I never saw anything offer. She has lied to that to her husband by saying that I never went to their house because I didn't want to because it was too painful to walk the distance which of course it is but that isn't the truth she came to me because she wanted to get away from her house full of men. Basically I made my standard mistake of believing someone was true when they were not. I have so long time felt that I was used by her but because she had the cancer and had a lot of other problems I didn't really feel I could just dump the and to be quite honest I don't know how you dump people anyway. On Facebook is easy you just remove them from your friends list and block them that gives them the message that she is one who uses Facebook. However I did tell over the phone. I can't believe that a man who is higher in a particular profession that would take his threatening of me very seriously and yet he still did it probably because he knew I wouldn't do anything about it and I'm not going to I deleted the message. Because I don't want all that stress so I did it for myself and not for him either. I just want peace in my life and it seems that I'm going to have to have more of the clear out not that I can think of anybody right now but I will know as time goes by those relationships that are one-sided. I will be friends with almost anybody unfortunately I am naive and it takes me a long time to realise that I am being used and sometimes I find out in a shocking way like I did this time and other times while still in a shocking way but not quite as hurtful as this was. I do not want to become hard or bitter or difficult to approach. I know somebody with a heart of gold who is very sensitive and is really lovely but she has such a hard exterior that it frightens people and it keeps them away and she does this because she wants to be protected from the sort of pain that I experience on a regular basis. I am not criticising our at all but I do think that she could be missing out on some very good friendships that are real. I feel very flattered that I got letting and in case you think I'm talking about you I am talking about a few people who are like that and to have let me in and become close friends with me. So I'm not letting any cat's out of the bag nor am I describing you in particular because I can imagine that there is one or two people that will automatically think I mean them in a private talk I might say something different but they must remember that I described them as lovely sensitive good people who have grown hard exteriors and I just don't want to be like that I think the way I do it is that I appear to be how people see me but there are those I let into my heart and narrows that I don't and I guess this woman I never let into my heart despite the fact that she was a witness at our civil partnership. I did it because I felt if I didn't I'd never hear the end of it. I had to make a choice out of several people and I made the wrong one. Fiona Overton I made a mistake and it should have been you. Although you tell me your problems in your heartaches you always have time for mine. As does your daughter. Although because she calls the uncle and sees me in that way she is more likely to tell me her problems than feel comfortable listening to her uncle's problems. At least that's how I see it Sophie Vinciguerra so do tell me if I am wrong.
I am going to go through the process of having our wedding album which will be very expensive but I can't have it with those two people left in it and it has nothing at all to do with spite but I don't want to be reminded of the pain and humiliation every time I open the book. It is ruined for me because of course they take quite a centre stage since they were at the top table. And that is the only reason I am having them removed I am not a spiteful person I am just an oversensitive one and it would seriously hurt me to look at them and be reminded constantly. I hope that can be understood as the way I have put it and you don't still think I am being spiteful.
we are both still ill but unfortunately John is far worse than I am of course because of his dress difficulties in the first place and my ordinarily drugs not only do they hide from me that there is something wrong but they deal with all the symptoms as well and so I am not on antibiotics until they become necessary or if they become necessary. Quite often they do but about a week or so from now because the morphine stops me coughing but when I have a chest infection if I have one I don't really know about it until I do cough up a small bit of green and then I know I need to go on antibiotics.
We actually had a very good visit without doctor on Friday and I think it is getting better and I'm going to like her well. I ought to have trusted Ruth's ch I told her yesterday that she was like most doctors and had OCD but I can't remember what it was she was doing that made me say that and it made me laugh and she agreed with me sorry it made her laugh and she agreed. It is that sort of banter that makes me feel comfortable with the doctor.
Gosh this is a very long post and I am sure I lost most of you ages ago but I am finishing now and if you did get this far then you deserve a gold star which I can't give you but(My heart#) c ~ Download to see & send fun emoticons on Facebook ~
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Sunday, October 12, 2014

THE PROGRAMMING OF OUR BRAIN

 I am reading a book at the moment which I think I would recommend to every abuse survivor or victim. It is called the boy who was raised as a dog and other stories. It is written by neurologist and it explains very well how our brains are damaged by the abuse even if our abuse was not physical.

It has certainly helped me understand myself much better and it has also taken away a lot of the self blame I have over my behaviour and especially my self harming behaviour because according to this book I could not do anything else as my brain was programmed to do this is by the abuse to give you an example of very simple one:

When I was about six and after a particularly upsetting abuse scenario I went and I ate a load of cornflakes and sugar. This made me feel numb. I did it again. And again. By doing this I laid down a neural pathway  which means that when ever I feel pain or abused all discomfited I want to eat these "comfort" foods.

There are other more complicated pathways like my dislike and distrust of men which has been with me since early childhood. I remember turning up at school for a new term. I was about seven years old and up until then I had only had female teachers. To my horror my class teacher was a man. I hated school from that day on.

 even today I have to make a concerted effort when it comes to men despite the fact that I'm gay and I am married to another gay man whom I have been together with the 33 years. (While it's unlikely I'll be married to a straight man I think that little piece of information about him being gay was unnecessary :-)) 

 the reason I think this book is such a good book for us to read is that it takes a lot of our pain away slowly it's not a magic recognition.  However reading it it slowly dawned on me that much of what I had punished myself for I had no control over.  I have yet to finish this book but still feel confident enough to recommend it. I found that from me it explains so much about my behaviour and how especially at the age of 55 I was still battling to stop or cure behaviour but I have no chance of being able to do and neither is it my fault. As a child on neural pathways  asked set down according to our experiences from birth onwards and we have absolutely no control over it at all. Absolutely none. This is true of everybody those who were loved and cherished and those that were not we have no control at all over how our brain set itself. I see it rather like a computer and we had no control over how it was programmed and we have very little ability to control that programming today. We do of course have to do what we can. Some of this programming can turn a c us into sociopaths but with help we can still made choices with help that do not cause pain to others. 

 Although  well above average IQ I do not feel comfortable in saying that I have interpreted this book correctly however I do feel very comfortable in recommending it as a read that will be of help to most victims and survivors. 

Thursday, October 02, 2014

NEW YARNS






Tuesday, September 30, 2014

WHY I HAVE BEEN ABSENT

 Hi,

 I feel ready to explain where I have been  for the last couple of years.

I have been ill.

I was far too ashamed and embarrassed to let anybody know particularly those people who follow my blog.

This blog is all about recovery from child abuse and how it can be done and I am proof of that. How could I possibly tell you but I was depressed? Especially when it took me a while to realise that I was.

The daft thing is that the depression had nothing at all to do with my childhood although of course everything is affected by childhood abuse but this was not about that.

It all started in July 2012 when our house started to be renovated. I absolutely detested having people in my house all day every day even though they were doing what I had asked them to do and was paying them to do. They were making my house safer for me. The floors were taken up so that all that was left was very dusty concrete all something like it. We had been away for a week whilst they did the bathroom and the kitchen and although I knew that the floor was going to be taken up I didn't realise this report I would see when I came back. The dust was everywhere and it put my teeth on edge.

I felt very guilty for not wanting these men here I wanted my space. My home is my safety and I felt very unsafe whilst they were doing it. I naïvely thought it would take a couple of weeks but in fact it took almost a year but I am very happy with the result and we have a much more secure house now.

My disease was progressing at quite a pace but I did not stop doing dog shows in fact I did more and I showed more dogs. I was not going to give in to my disease. I was not going to be a wimp. I could stop my disease from progressing if I did enough. During this time I had no time for anything and the only indication to me that I was getting worse was that instead of having to spend the following day after dog show in bed I had to spend the following two days in bed and the third day doing nothing unless of course I had two shows which mostly I did have a show each weekend and sometimes on a weekday as well.

I started falling quite frequently at the shows.  Sometimes I fell on grass which was less painful but many times I fell on concrete which was very painful but of course I denied it and I made a joke out of it. What I didn't see was the danger I was causing myself and any dog but I might fall on which fortunately never happened. Dogs are not stupid they get out of the way fast.

I also started to have problems with my driving. I had more than once fallen asleep at the wheel on the way home from dog shows. So I would stop at service areas and I would park way off leaving my engine running because of the air con and I would sleep for an hour or so. I got home but I usually spoke with John all the way back after the sleep.

John had always said that he would never go to the general championship shows with me because he would never get up that early to go. He changed his mind and decided that he would come with me because he said he realised it was the only way I was going to be able to continue to go. He doesn't drive but he was able to get everything out of the car including my wheelchair and set everything up for me in the grooming area.

Whilst I was waiting in the collecting area to go into my class I happened to look up and saw John sitting at the side of the ring and I saw the look on his face and I realised that my days of showing dogs was over. These are our retirement years. I could not let John do this. He hated it but he was doing it because he loved me and he knew how important it was for me to show the dogs.

Two things converged at this point: my denial of my disease and consequently my denial that dog showing was no longer possible for me. Idea to have a good cry over both of them one is the cries was with a dear friend who listened and understood because she herself shows dogs.

This left my life feeling empty as if I no longer had any purpose. I had not been able to knit for quite some time and I had done very little in the way of yarn dyeing. 

 Gradually I became severely depressed to the point but I was beyond planning but about to do it.  My drugs are kept in a safe under the desk on which I keep my iMac.  As I was sitting there with the safe open and calculating how many I was going to need that would send me to sleep and stop my lungs from working whilst I was asleep, my iMac made a noise which told me that an email has arrived.  For some reason I moved my mouse which cleared the screen and I could see that I had two emails are both from friends that I have spent a lot of time with despite the fact that they live abroad and that I met them on Facebook. Both emails were telling me to get to a doctor as soon as possible. One of them who suffers from depression herself told me something that really frightened me: she said you have always said that you would never do it because of John but depression doesn't care what you think it thinks for itself and it can make you do things that you do not want to do. Considering I was looking at my safe full of drugs  when I email arrived and when my other friends email arrived I picked up the phone to my doctor's surgery. They know me very well and know me as a happy person who never grumbled about his condition and always cheered them up. They knew immediately that I needed help and within an hour I was seeing a doctor and I did not argue when I was prescribed antidepressants  (something I have always been very much against because I felt that they did not work and would just a way for drug companies to make money.)

 Within a week my desire to live came back and now five weeks later my  my head has stayed above the water but my doctor yesterday doubled the dose because although I think it had worked remarkably well I still didn't think I was right and neither did she think I was back to my normal self. 

 This has been a very difficult learning experience for me full stop.  I cannot say if my childhood abuse had anything to do with the severity of my reactions to the last 2 1/2 years or not. All I do know is that I hid  what was going on with me. And I certainly was not going to be writing about it on my blog because I felt I would be letting you all down because I felt that you would think I had given you false hope  about how it is possible to recover from child abuse.

I realise now how very wrong I was to not have shared what was going on with me and making assumptions about what you would think. I also think for once that this wasn't directly to do with my child abuse but the effects of child abuse pervades everything as we know so  I am really not sure.

I am sorry that I did not share about all this as it was going on and that I basically abandoned this blog for long time and therefore its readers and for that I truly am sorry. Yes, it has occurred to me that there are now no readers of this blog but I have the least  done what I should have done and may be some readers didn't give up hope that I would write again. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

TAKING A BREAK

I am too ill to write for now. I am not gone and I will be back but I can't give at this moment.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

SUICIDE


John and I went out to a spiritualist meeting this afternoon. All the time I kept looking at the back of this woman's head being absolutely certain that I knew her. When it was over and she turned around I knew that it was the lady I knew. I knew her daughters as well and I had a very long chat with her husband I'm talking at least an hour or so in the supermarket. Two months ago this man killed himself. He has an evil family. They tried to have his wife and her children who they don't like thrown out of the service and all of the time the service was going on they were heckling and such until it got so bad the Minister got the wife and children out. 

This man spent his whole life trying to get his family to love and accept him as he was. He was very sensitive and gentle and they were not. I don't know if they were but they sounded like some sort of Roma or crime family just by their behaviour.

 anyway I am sorry to say that I think the man was wrong to have killed himself to leave a wife and seven children behind and wife who thinks it's her fault that she should have been able to do more or seen it coming. I just hugged and harder and stroked her and told her that it wasn't her fault and when she realised that she would be able to grieve and then be able to live properly. I just think it is so wild that we have been discussing suicide the last few days and I then come across this happening to somebody I know reasonably well. This is a case where I think he should have sought help and thought of his wife and family and not just of the pain he felt because his own family didn't love him. I understand fully what that pain is like because that is the same with me my own family never loved me or accepted me but I won in the end after a lot of pain and attempts at ending my life. I stopped at the last one because I had taken a ship load of drugs at about 6 PM and new that I would not be found until at least 7 AM by which time I will have gone. I was not gone I was in a coma though and remain so for a few days and then was put in a mental hospital because my family lied and said that they had no  idea why.   well they were hardly going to say well yes actually we didn't love him or accept him because we wanted a butcher son  not this sensitive soft unnatural boy.

I understand this man it took me until I was in my 30s before I stopped looking for them to accept me. I realised that they needed to earn my acceptance of them and they never did get that. I don't hate them but I certainly don't love them and I am forever grateful that they are out of my life. I do know that they know about my blog but whether they know about my Facebook I don't know it depends how savvy they are.

 Anyway I really wanted to just hugged that woman's pain away because I had a fair idea of the pain she was feeling although not completely because of course this has never happened to me but grief has  and grief in the end is grief no matter what causes it. All of us who have suffered grief have that bond between us even if the cause of the grief is completely different. 

 Please send your good thoughts to my friend. I haven't named her faultless reasons but I believe that the good thoughts for my friend will still reach their target. And you know what I don't really give a toss about those who don't believe that this works because it does work and I've seen it work.

It is one reason why I find it very difficult to being groups of people for a very long and white dog shows people would see me in my spot knitting hoping that this would keep people away from me. It sounds awful because I like them very much but there is only so much I can take. My good friends who live close by who come and visit know when it is time for them to go without me having the say anything because I wouldn't be rude unless I was really really bad but normally I would never ask them to leave but they have an instinct and  know when it is time to say goodbye to me. I think only one good friend Judy Morant  saw me leave because I was there to have my dog mated both were virgins and I just couldn't get them to do it because they were both far too eager and I couldn't align them so that his penis went where it should and she is expert at getting the dog's penis where it should be. Anyway it was stressful for me and I had been there for quite some time and not even I was aware that I just disappeared for a while. She said she now understood what disassociation meant. She said it was really quite spooky to see because I was sat there in front of her in my body but I wasn't there. H

Sunday, August 10, 2014

CAT

CAT: I am sorry I accidentally deleted your message. Would you please write it again? What you said was pertinent though hard for me to to read.

MY OWN STRUGGLE

 I know that I have been writing here very sporadically and I feel very guilty about it because this was set up primarily to help other survivors.

However, I have been hit badly by several happenings in my life in the last couple of years that have caused me to have flashbacks and severe mood swings. 

I have been writing on Facebook because there I do not have to wait long for words of wisdom to come my way.  people really are very kind.

But I feel that I have neglected the survivors I write this blog for.  All I can say is how sorry I am but right now it is the best I can do.  maybe I shall start to write here instead because what I have been going through does fit in with all that I have said  about what we survivors have to contend with and how an unexpected happening can bring it all flooding back and can make it very difficult to rid oneself of its negative effects again.

 And I have to say that I also feel ashamed because I was writing this blog to show how possible it was to recover and yet here I am in a complete mess again because of happening that cause flashbacks and in two years I am still not back to normal.

 it isn't just that my physical disease has got bad and I can no longer sure my dogs. So I feel very sad and unhappy in fact heartbroken about that it is what I worked so many years for. I did have a lot of success. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Alexander 24 05 14

Friday, July 04, 2014

ALTERATIONS


I had a reasonable sleep. waking up a lot but otherwise fine. Felt no need to take anything. I feel me usual crappy self which is a good thing. Maybe this 'withdrawal thing' this is going to be intermittent. I don't get it but am determined to stick with the oxy.

It will be hot today. The lounge was already 27c when I got up. John is home. I guess we will do domestic things and continue watching Game of Thrones 4. We have 4 because i have Amazon's Prime and it includes loads of free films and series and the GoT was bought in HD and is mine forever u less the 'Cloud' evaporates. I have been watching Under The Dome which seems much more interesting than the book. I find Mr King far too wordy now though I normally don't like his film version as. I think I find this enjoyable after two episodes is it is new to me. Who knows if I will stick with it? I must watch this as it streams though. It isn't saved as it is completely free.

I know some people really care about me but I would really like a favour please. Do not go on about when I return to dog showing. It hurts. I am getting used to the idea of not doing so. It was a pull to take Alexander tomorrow as he is entered but it will just open up a huge wound if I do.

I have been enjoying my dogs in a way that I have not done so for years. All the pressure of keeping them in tiptop condition has gone although none of them look any different to when I was showing them. You should see Alexander as he glides across the lawn. His coach trials the floor. And he has an easy coat to care for it. It is also easy to groom. I intend keeping  Winston in full coat when he is mature merely because he has the right text on coat he is a true deep black and will not have a difficult coat. After all it is this that drew me to the breed.

Rose will be going to a handler as I promised that she would when Megan has finished being shown. Megan will have a letter and as long as I get a top-quality female in that letter she will be gifted to her handler. Bette Sillito-pearson  already knows that I will not give up Megan until she has produced me a show quality pitch to continue breeding from. I will be continuing to breed the occasional letter but only from top quality females to top-quality males. I will reconsider if I find that no one is interested in buying shows stock.

I really want to just enjoy John's and my retirement. Yes, I do call it a retirement from myself as well. I think I'm beginning to let go in ways that are good for me. To give you an sample which some of you will be clueless as to its importance and others of you will get it straight away.

When I swim I was religiously counting each lap as I did it and I would find all sorts of ways of remembering which lap I was on and I would get very upset if I lost track. Recently keeping track has been more difficult but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was swimming for the same amount of time and so therefore must have done the same amount of laps. Now I don't even bother to count. I get in the water and I just enjoy the swim and I think about far more important things and some good ideas have come to me or some realisations have come to me because I have let go of the counting. I even count the stairs in my house as I go up and down them even though I know how many there are. It is a PTSD thing (and also an autism thing which has you know my doctor puts me at the high end of the autism scale.  it was a dog friend that first suggested that I talk to my doctor about autism. Throughout my life many people have made the suggestion to me but I didn't understand autism and only thought of rain man and I knew I was not like that. My friend though said that I did not know how to read people's faces although I am not sure about that and in fact probably disagree however when I read that famous book The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nightitme,  I identified so much with the boy and was rather horrified to discover that I did a lot of what the boy did and have done all my life and I would never even have mentioned it to a doctor because it just seemed totally normal to me. I have gotten over the not mixing my food together but I still eat my food in a specific order.)

As usual I have gone off on a tangent. Oh yes I was talking about having given up the counting while I am  swimming and just enjoying the swimming.  I am extremely grateful that I learned to swim when I was a boy because otherwise today I would be wheelchair stuck and fat for. I love being in the water. I hurt much less in the water although I do have to take extra painkiller in order to be  able to swim the amount I need to to keep my bones and muscles active and my weight down. I would do this even if I was one of those lucky devils who could eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight. It matters not that I am more likely to survive famine than those who remain skinny no matter what they eat! Why on earth anybody thinks that is of any comfort I don't know. Which brings me neatly onto the subject of cakes and stuff in supermarkets.  they sell a whole cake and they have written on it serves six. They should add the word pixie after the six. SERVES SIX?  Who are these six people that would be happy with a slither  of cake?  if I were truthful I would say it would serve two.  And by two I mean two slices.

 Getting back to the dogs. Perhaps it is becoming in my mind very similar to the way I feel about myself. I do not need you to tell me how I am. I like and love myself and it doesn't depend upon you. I can see whether my dog is a champion quality dog or and I really do not need  a person to give me a green card to say that they also think so. Let's face it all those people showing in limit and open think the same way about their dog otherwise they would not be showing it. This is only just occurred to me.  I am not going to shorten my life and ruin my time with John chasing around the country getting those three cards. Yes one could say that I'm just a boy whistling in the wind trying to convince himself that it is okay not showing. Seriously though I am pleased not to be there today. When I look at Mary Grace completely shaved off I am so proud of her because she is outstanding and as Andrew Brace said she deserved her title. She will never get it but I really do not care now I know that she is worthy and that is what counts. It is hard to explain the difference in feeling I have towards the dogs now but I am certain it has to do with all the tension having left me.

Sunday, June 01, 2014

our dogs 30 05 2014

Sunday, May 11, 2014

GOSH, IT'S JUST ROLLING OUT

I was very tempted to stay in bed. It is cold and miserable and so am I. Although I am not really miserable I feel the way I always feel until my drugs kick in. John is still in bed.

I am still in a quandary as to whether to give you a long one or a short one but this morning I think I'm just in a go with how it flows.

On Thursday John told me he would not be home that evening or at least the latest he could get home would be the 11:30 PM train at Peterborough which would be far too late for me to go picking him up because of drug timing etc. I was also less than pleased with him because he promised me that he would not ever be doing anything on a Thursday evening and this is about the third time he has done this and it is not a case of him having to it is a case of him wanting to. Anyway 8:30 the following morning and I still haven't had a phone call from him so I called him and he groggily answered the phone. I had a few choice words to say and I went about my day which included swimming. When I returned home at almost 2 PM he was in bed. I still was assuming he had a hangover but it turns out he ate lobster on Thursday night and I think he had a case of food poisoning because the reason he found it so awful when I called him was because he had spent all night in the loo and only got home through the use of Imodium. He spent most of yesterday in bed although towards the end of the day he did not look pale and we did manage to do that bit of shopping we needed at Tesco. I feel torn between feeling sorry for him for being sick because I know awful that feels and annoyed with him for having broken his promise and had a night out with the boys on Thursday night.

In case the people a lot in this country didn't notice we did not have a winter here. They may have had one in Scotland which is much further north but it couldn't have been much of one because I don't remember much in the way of reports and you know what newspaper like any minor incident and its full p•age news. Well so far we haven't had spring either. In fact the weather doesn't seem to have changed. It is still dull and wet though it is warmer but still with frost at night.

I have no idea what John intends doing today about while he is still in bed I am going to knit and watch the ninth series of Grey's Anatomy. I am flummoxed by this program. I hate it. It is utter rubbish. Very melodramatic. And yet I'm on the night series and will watch as many episodes as I can back-to-back. Which for someone who hates it and thinks it's utter rubbish is very strange indeed. Perhaps I don't hate it perhaps it's a bit like sitting and eating a whole box of liquorice allsorts in one go. You really know you ought not because it is just sugar and liquorice and no good fee whatsoever and certainly will do nothing to educate you accept that Yang should have been written out in the first series. How does that woman have friends let alone a husband.

I have just figured out why my post tend to be long. Because I sit here waiting for my drugs to work and I can't sit here doing nothing so I type whatever comes out of my mouth. And you never know I might find the answer to the universe and everything just by rambling I could just hit upon it and peace reign upon this earth. Now wouldn't that be great. especially if I could do whatever I want to do that harm anybody and I could eat whatever I wanted and remain trim. Now that is a piece of growth I said trim I did not say skinny. whereas before anything more than 185 meant I was hideously fat and had no right to go out my door. and I am not kidding. I can't remember size is a mention that period of my life but it was shipped another example of self harm. I always wore whatever clothes I had which were dull and I covered that with a very long coat come winter or summer and I would sneak out to the shops usually to buy a record. If I went on an eating binge I would do the same except that I would go to several different shops because I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't possibly by more than a couple of food items in any one shop because I was convinced they all knew that I was going to go on and eating binge. I would get home go into my bedroom well my bedsit or my squat lock the door and start unwrapping as if I hadn't ever read and I would stuff myself silly and fall asleep. It felt absolutely wonderful it was piece last the fight was over just for then. Of course I had to face what I had done when I woke up. I would flush everything I had left down the toilet and if it was too large for that I would go out in the dead of night and dump it in a public waste bin far from where I lived. Sometimes the urge to binge which is completely overwhelming and uncontrollable I would eat dog kibble and I have eaten out of dustbins. Can you see now why I never ever want to return to the Colin of those days. I know I had the disease and the lightbulb just went off in my head I am telling you and I'm telling you the worst of it without holding anything back. I used to take 30 Nylax the day because I never did quite get the hang of making myself vomit and I once swallowed a toothbrush in the attempt and I only just managed to retrieve it. I did eventually get put into a world-famous Anorexic unit run by a complete and utter attract whose surname was that of a food which was not an irony I found funny although I do sometimes find it funny now. I went because I thought I would be treated with love and kindness and someone would listen to me about the abuse I had survived. I could not have been more wrong I was given my own room but that room was glass so that they could see me 24 seven. I was treated like a prisoner and not like a patient with the disease. It was terrible. I was eventually discharged in disgrace because I dared to binge, WHAT THE FUCK DI YOU THINKWAS GOING TO DO OF MIGHTY ONE? STOP JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESENCE? no. When the overwhelming urge hit me-the shakes the terrible cold the wanting to die-when that hit me I had to eat I had to get as much sugar in me as possible. Everything was locked except the bins which they did not seem to have thought about but unfortunately somebody else had beaten me to them. So I went out and to my utter shame I ate outside albeit surrounded by bushes. Had I been caught the shame would have been worse than had been caught totally naked and Wang Qing. If you don't have an eating disorder you have no idea what I'm talking about and I assure you I am so grateful that you don't know what I'm talking about. Anorexia/Bulimia are not self-inflicted diseases just as a Agoraphobia is not. any form of self harm is not. I still have scars up both arms where I used to cut myself. Luckily for me that was the final resort and my scars have all but faded so they are not visible unless I point them out to you.

This is why I say that all survivors become abusers. If we do not abuse others we abuse ourselves. I do believe that there is something about us that is broken beyond repair. But that is not an excuse to carry on with self-destructive behaviour or behaviour that destroys others. (Excuse me while I go and kill Megan. well now that has been taken care of. it was quite a messless job really)

What infuriates me is that there is very little in the way of knowledgeable help even in 2014 for people such as I was. It took me from 1975 until 1994 to find the right help. In the meantime I met all sorts of charlatans, sexual abusers, religious nutters, and people who believe that if I licked a little bit of ash that was supposedly part of Sai BaBa;s body I I would become well. I do have a very funny story about one of my experiences but that can wait. I met a lot of people whose only interest in me was to take advantage of me either financially or bodily or they were just on an ego trip and sincerely believed that their claptrap was going to help me.

They say the anorexia/bulimia is all about control. I still have my doubts about it but one day as I was driving to the pool I saw a rather rough looking boy walking along the side of the Dyke shirtless. he was skinny and hard. I knew at that moment in my 50s that that is what it had all been about I wanted to look like that because I believe if I looked like that my father would find me acceptable and others would stop bullying me. I still did not realise that it was my homosexuality that was the issue.

In yesterday's post I wrote about what I did to hide the fact that I was manic. You did not want to find yourself in a mental institution in the 70s or 80s for that matter and from my experience in 94 not then either. They were run by people who did not know what they were on about despite the letters after their name and in front of their name. Many were abusive and condescending. There was the occasional star to keep the light on but otherwise one flew over the Cuckoo's nest got it pretty well right. I thought about film when it first came out and I just knew that that was where I was headed and two years later that's where I was. I stupidly thought it would be much better and safer for me than being at home. It was far worse. I ran away several times but always got caught and brought back and put in solitary confinement and locked up. On one of these escapes I made it down as far as the ocean and there is a bridge between the mainland and one of the islands and I jumped off into the sea however it was a dark and stormy night and I did not know that the tide was out and when I jumped all I heard was SPLAT! and then I had to clear my way through this foul smelling bad until I got the bank were right cleaned myself up as much as I could by rolling around on the grass and I took myself left to the nearest police station and explained that I was a nutter who have escaped from the funny farm, which is what we has torture the camps were called. Fhe funny farm probe them to bring me back but the policeman refused to do so. Instead they called a taxi who took me back and I had to pay for it. £17 which in 1975 note 1977 I mean was a lot of money. they took it out of my care money and they only gave me pies to wheat for the next two weeks so of course I didn't eat.

I did not stop to bring under control this disease until I was in my 30s and yes the thought has already crossed my mind and that of my doctors that the gut problem I have and the bone problem I have could well be the result of that disease. I grew another 2 inches taller when I started to eat properly.

I still get a high out of not eating and overeating on sugar still brings me down and gives me a good night sleep. I rarely do either. I will tell you right now that the one sure way of placing me off is nagging me about my food. To me it is a very private matter despite the fact that I've written all of this to the world to see but my day-to-day eating is a private matter and matter what you say it will not change anything. I.e. to the way that I eat. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be like other people, like my husband, who enjoys his food and he eats absolutely anything yet if I ate what he ate I would be in serious trouble. One of the physical problems which I think is caused by the eating disorder rather than causes the eating disorder is that I produce too much insulin for the amount of sugar have eaten so that eating a doughnut for a normal person would not affect their weight but from me that doughnut would immediately be turned into fat because of the amount of insulin I would have released to deal with it.

I'm going to come to a compromise. I am going to leave this post here but I'm also going to post it on my blogs because then I am keeping my promise to my blog readers who are not on Facebook. It is good for me too because then I can stop feeling guilty about making a promise but I haven't kept to.

I was a agoraphobic for many years, I was obsessed with counting in my head find the in extremis I still do that. When I did eat I had to eat my food in a particular order and preferably in separate files that did not intermix just like that boy in the mysterious case of the missing dog in the night-time. I got such a huge identification reading that book. My doctor says that I am on the autistic spectrum but I would say that I was high functioning..I'm just so sick and tired of labels.

My name is Colin. That is my label purely for identification purposes. Colin has had many different experiences and most of them have been very painful but they have made me very understanding and compassionate toward other people. Colin is happy with that and Colin is still a work in progress and will be until the day I leave my body and even then I will continue to grow as I believe we all wil. however those are my beliefs and I don't care to hoots whether you believe that will not because if you don't believe it I shall be there on the other side when you take your last breath and I will be sticking my tongue out and waving my fingers at you going 'ya ya ya ya.'

GOSH, NOW I'M REALLY LETTING IT ROLL

I was very tempted to stay in bed. It is cold and miserable and so am I. Although I am not really miserable I feel the way I always feel until my drugs kick in. John is still in bed.

I am still in a quandary as to whether to give you a long one or a short one but this morning I think I'm just in a go with how it flows.

On Thursday John told me he would not be home that evening or at least the latest he could get home would be the 11:30 PM train at Peterborough which would be far too late for me to go picking him up because of drug timing etc. I was also less than pleased with him because he promised me that he would not ever be doing anything on a Thursday evening and this is about the third time he has done this and it is not a case of him having to it is a case of him wanting to. Anyway 8:30 the following morning and I still haven't had a phone call from him so I called him and he groggily answered the phone. I had a few choice words to say and I went about my day which included swimming. When I returned home at almost 2 PM he was in bed. I still was assuming he had a hangover but it turns out he ate lobster on Thursday night and I think he had a case of food poisoning because the reason he found it so awful when I called him was because he had spent all night in the loo and only got home through the use of Imodium. He spent most of yesterday in bed although towards the end of the day he did not look pale and we did manage to do that bit of shopping we needed at Tesco. I feel torn between feeling sorry for him for being sick because I know awful that feels and annoyed with him for having broken his promise and had a night out with the boys on Thursday night.

In case the people a lot in this country didn't notice we did not have a winter here. They may have had one in Scotland which is much further north but it couldn't have been much of one because I don't remember much in the way of reports and you know what newspaper like any minor incident and its full p•age news. Well so far we haven't had spring either. In fact the weather doesn't seem to have changed. It is still dull and wet though it is warmer but still with frost at night.

I have no idea what John intends doing today about while he is still in bed I am going to knit and watch the ninth series of Grey's Anatomy. I am flummoxed by this program. I hate it. It is utter rubbish. Very melodramatic. And yet I'm on the night series and will watch as many episodes as I can back-to-back. Which for someone who hates it and thinks it's utter rubbish is very strange indeed. Perhaps I don't hate it perhaps it's a bit like sitting and eating a whole box of liquorice allsorts in one go. You really know you ought not because it is just sugar and liquorice and no good fee whatsoever and certainly will do nothing to educate you accept that Yang should have been written out in the first series. How does that woman have friends let alone a husband.

I have just figured out why my post tend to be long. Because I sit here waiting for my drugs to work and I can't sit here doing nothing so I type whatever comes out of my mouth. And you never know I might find the answer to the universe and everything just by rambling I could just hit upon it and peace reign upon this earth. Now wouldn't that be great. especially if I could do whatever I want to do that harm anybody and I could eat whatever I wanted and remain trim. Now that is a piece of growth I said trim I did not say skinny. whereas before anything more than 185 meant I was hideously fat and had no right to go out my door. and I am not kidding. I can't remember size is a mention that period of my life but it was shipped another example of self harm. I always wore whatever clothes I had which were dull and I covered that with a very long coat come winter or summer and I would sneak out to the shops usually to buy a record. If I went on an eating binge I would do the same except that I would go to several different shops because I was so ashamed of myself but I couldn't possibly by more than a couple of food items in any one shop because I was convinced they all knew that I was going to go on and eating binge. I would get home go into my bedroom well my bedsit or my squat lock the door and start unwrapping as if I hadn't ever read and I would stuff myself silly and fall asleep. It felt absolutely wonderful it was piece last the fight was over just for then. Of course I had to face what I had done when I woke up. I would flush everything I had left down the toilet and if it was too large for that I would go out in the dead of night and dump it in a public waste bin far from where I lived. Sometimes the urge to binge which is completely overwhelming and uncontrollable I would eat dog kibble and I have eaten out of dustbins. Can you see now why I never ever want to return to the Colin of those days. I know I had the disease and the lightbulb just went off in my head I am telling you and I'm telling you the worst of it without holding anything back. I used to take 30 Nylax the day because I never did quite get the hang of making myself vomit and I once swallowed a toothbrush in the attempt and I only just managed to retrieve it. I did eventually get put into a world-famous Anorexic unit run by a complete and utter attract whose surname was that of a food which was not an irony I found funny although I do sometimes find it funny now. I went because I thought I would be treated with love and kindness and someone would listen to me about the abuse I had survived. I could not have been more wrong I was given my own room but that room was glass so that they could see me 24 seven. I was treated like a prisoner and not like a patient with the disease. It was terrible. I was eventually discharged in disgrace because I dared to binge, WHAT THE FUCK DI YOU THINKWAS GOING TO DO OF MIGHTY ONE? STOP JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR PRESENCE? no. When the overwhelming urge hit me-the shakes the terrible cold the wanting to die-when that hit me I had to eat I had to get as much sugar in me as possible. Everything was locked except the bins which they did not seem to have thought about but unfortunately somebody else had beaten me to them. So I went out and to my utter shame I ate outside albeit surrounded by bushes. Had I been caught the shame would have been worse than had been caught totally naked and Wang Qing. If you don't have an eating disorder you have no idea what I'm talking about and I assure you I am so grateful that you don't know what I'm talking about. Anorexia/Bulimia are not self-inflicted diseases just as a Agoraphobia is not. any form of self harm is not. I still have scars up both arms where I used to cut myself. Luckily for me that was the final resort and my scars have all but faded so they are not visible unless I point them out to you.

This is why I say that all survivors become abusers. If we do not abuse others we abuse ourselves. I do believe that there is something about us that is broken beyond repair. But that is not an excuse to carry on with self-destructive behaviour or behaviour that destroys others. (Excuse me while I go and kill Megan. well now that has been taken care of. it was quite a messless job really)

What infuriates me is that there is very little in the way of knowledgeable help even in 2014 for people such as I was. It took me from 1975 until 1994 to find the right help. In the meantime I met all sorts of charlatans, sexual abusers, religious nutters, and people who believe that if I licked a little bit of ash that was supposedly part of Sai BaBa;s body I I would become well. I do have a very funny story about one of my experiences but that can wait. I met a lot of people whose only interest in me was to take advantage of me either financially or bodily or they were just on an ego trip and sincerely believed that their claptrap was going to help me.

They say the anorexia/bulimia is all about control. I still have my doubts about it but one day as I was driving to the pool I saw a rather rough looking boy walking along the side of the Dyke shirtless. he was skinny and hard. I knew at that moment in my 50s that that is what it had all been about I wanted to look like that because I believe if I looked like that my father would find me acceptable and others would stop bullying me. I still did not realise that it was my homosexuality that was the issue.

In yesterday's post I wrote about what I did to hide the fact that I was manic. You did not want to find yourself in a mental institution in the 70s or 80s for that matter and from my experience in 94 not then either. They were run by people who did not know what they were on about despite the letters after their name and in front of their name. Many were abusive and condescending. There was the occasional star to keep the light on but otherwise one flew over the Cuckoo's nest got it pretty well right. I thought about film when it first came out and I just knew that that was where I was headed and two years later that's where I was. I stupidly thought it would be much better and safer for me than being at home. It was far worse. I ran away several times but always got caught and brought back and put in solitary confinement and locked up. On one of these escapes I made it down as far as the ocean and there is a bridge between the mainland and one of the islands and I jumped off into the sea however it was a dark and stormy night and I did not know that the tide was out and when I jumped all I heard was SPLAT! and then I had to clear my way through this foul smelling bad until I got the bank were right cleaned myself up as much as I could by rolling around on the grass and I took myself left to the nearest police station and explained that I was a nutter who have escaped from the funny farm, which is what we has torture the camps were called. Fhe funny farm probe them to bring me back but the policeman refused to do so. Instead they called a taxi who took me back and I had to pay for it. £17 which in 1975 note 1977 I mean was a lot of money. they took it out of my care money and they only gave me pies to wheat for the next two weeks so of course I didn't eat.

I did not stop to bring under control this disease until I was in my 30s and yes the thought has already crossed my mind and that of my doctors that the gut problem I have and the bone problem I have could well be the result of that disease. I grew another 2 inches taller when I started to eat properly.

I still get a high out of not eating and overeating on sugar still brings me down and gives me a good night sleep. I rarely do either. I will tell you right now that the one sure way of placing me off is nagging me about my food. To me it is a very private matter despite the fact that I've written all of this to the world to see but my day-to-day eating is a private matter and matter what you say it will not change anything. I.e. to the way that I eat. I wish I didn't. I wish I could be like other people, like my husband, who enjoys his food and he eats absolutely anything yet if I ate what he ate I would be in serious trouble. One of the physical problems which I think is caused by the eating disorder rather than causes the eating disorder is that I produce too much insulin for the amount of sugar have eaten so that eating a doughnut for a normal person would not affect their weight but from me that doughnut would immediately be turned into fat because of the amount of insulin I would have released to deal with it.

I'm going to come to a compromise. I am going to leave this post here but I'm also going to post it on my blogs because then I am keeping my promise to my blog readers who are not on Facebook. It is good for me too because then I can stop feeling guilty about making a promise but I haven't kept to.

I was a agoraphobic for many years, I was obsessed with counting in my head find the in extremis I still do that. When I did eat I had to eat my food in a particular order and preferably in separate files that did not intermix just like that boy in the mysterious case of the missing dog in the night-time. I got such a huge identification reading that book. My doctor says that I am on the autistic spectrum but I would say that I was high functioning..I'm just so sick and tired of labels.

My name is Colin. That is my label purely for identification purposes. Colin has had many different experiences and most of them have been very painful but they have made me very understanding and compassionate toward other people. Colin is happy with that and Colin is still a work in progress and will be until the day I leave my body and even then I will continue to grow as I believe we all wil. however those are my beliefs and I don't care to hoots whether you believe that will not because if you don't believe it I shall be there on the other side when you take your last breath and I will be sticking my tongue out and waving my fingers at you going 'ya ya ya ya.'