Thursday, July 02, 2015


John is not a rare man. John is not a rare homosexual man. There are many heterosexual and homosexual men who are just as loving and kind.

Homosexual men and women are just as likely to make excellent husbands and wives to their same sex spouses. It is not rare. Homosexual people do not lack the ability to be loving and faithful and loyal. Far from it. Much more likely to be these things, I would guess, because of a life time of abuse and rejection although these same conditions also damage one's ability to be these things-just as it does in heterosexual people.

Times are changing. Those growing up homosexual now do so in a very different world, at least in western culture. Bigotry is not over and it will take time but that of course it could all change.

The Nazi's didn't just murder Jews. The far right here if they had power would not just deal with immigrants! No, homosexuals would be dealt with too. Women also. I'll never understand how supposedly loving caring people end up supporting hatred and death instead of love and life.

Fear is behind the spread of this evil. I understand fear all to well. I have managed not to allow it to become hate. I felt fear when I saw the media images of people from far away brazenly forcing their way onto trucks etc coming to the UK. I wasn't afraid of them. I was afraid of those in my country who lose the ability to think because of the fear they. I am scared of how they will react.

One of them was a 14yr old boy who had got to the Port of Calais all the way from Afghanistan!

Most of them wrongly believe that the UK is rich and there are jobs aplenty. I don't disagree that we have too many people, none in particular, on this island and I wonder why France, a HUGE country with a population less than ours last time I looked, do not help.

This was all bound to happen. People the world over can now see, via the internet, the vast disparity between us and them. They realise how much we took from them. The see how our wealth came from exploiting them. Now we have what we want, we turn our backs, shut our doors, deciding to live with the fear of what the starving masses might do, and denying the fact that no amount of security is going to stop it. We see daily how the illusion that we are protected is smashed.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Some time before I lost the battle to stay in the comfort of sleep (yes, surprisingly, sleep is good and restful, unplagued by fear), I vaguely saw a man in a dark suit putting stuff on my side table which somehow my mind knew was Pepsi Max and my first lot of drugs for the day. He was trying not to wake me and I wasn't asleep but also not awake. In my memory it is all foggy. I reached my hand out to his, and I think kissed goodbye. I would think it all a dream if it were not for the fact of the drink and drugs next to the bed and John not being here. 

It is but two weeks today since The Fall. It seems longer ago when I think of it now but at times it feels like it was just hours ago. The Fall has irrevocably changed me and my life. I try to ignore tomorrow but it picks at me, like birds in confusion and terror tearing at my skin. I feel it but it is known to me that this is just my fight or flight system firing off and breaking through the pain killers. So much so that John lifts a hand to scratch is ear or something mundane and my body reacts by ducking and beginning to run tho it just starts to fall and John grabs me, effectively keeping me on my feet. He said I should sit and I told him I was okay, that my body just reacted quickly to his movement. I feel bad because he has never hit me in 34 years but my body isn't reacting to John but to events many years ago. And there are still those who dismiss PTSD (I used to be one). I read the other day that muscles do indeed have memory otherwise we couldn't make them grow through exercise. All I know is I jumped out of my skin because of the distant past not because of that moment.

I am afraid. I have been all of my life. I have always had adrenalin and cortisol flowing through me, ready to fight or run but unable to do either. I didn't know any of this at the time. I didn't even really know I was afraid. I just knew I was bad and weak. I didn't know I was neither of those things. I didn't know my brain was doing it's best to save me. As I could neither run nor fight I shut down, disassociated, depersonalised until I was no longer present. I do this still today. Something triggers it and I am no longer present. John has seen it. Only one friend has seen it and I think she found it eerie but she wasn't phased and just waited until I came back. She had heard me tell her these things so I think she knew pretty quickly what had happened. 

Fear, it is said, is the opposite of love. I only know that I did not love those I was afraid of. I also knew by the time I was seven that to love meant to be wounded and abandoned all over again but no matter how hard I tried not to I could not help but like or love others and pets. I could not feel loved. I longed for it and this me easy pickings for adults who violated me and told me it was love and as they did not hurt me and touched me gently, I felt safe. And I blocked out the memories of whatever it was that caused the bleeding. I was in my 30's before this little bombshell exploded and I realised how duped I had been, how foolish. And I knew then what caused the bleeding.

Love and faith and trust and security were all denied me. I had hope to see me through but it was damaging hope. I took the blame and responsibility for it all because then I could imagine myself just getting it right. Right enough to stop the fear and the agony under it.

It was a false hope. In reality I was powerless. I did not know there was nothing I could do, no change I could make, that would stop all of it. It wasn't me. It was them. I was 50 when I realised that. I was not abused because of who I am but but because of who they are.

Now I am in this dark place yet again. I fought so hard live life regardless and I was going to allow my body to stop me. I really did believe that if I kept active and positive I would not get worse, it would not progress. I was going to be happy and successful dammit. 

I now know this isn't true and my body did stop me and there is this hole in my life which is full of fear  and I am naked as I reach out for help from a power I don't understand at all.

I have this awful feeling that I need longer than I have to heal.

Friday, June 26, 2015

19:00 GMT Friday 26.06.2015

I awoke after deep sleep not disturbed by tendrils of a bad dream reaching out to pull me back into the darkness where my fear is naked and fresh, despite having always been with me. No, the night had been free of that.

Luque, Mary-Grace and Whitney were all on John's side of the bed. He was up and not there. The room was dark and sultry and I had to call him several times, so loudly I thought I would have a sore throat. 

I bit down on my panic. I couldn't move, my body as yet refusing to awake despite it's obvious presence being felt with shards of pain shooting around my body, as if my body were a gaming machine with various areas competing to see which part could hurt the most.

Eventually John appeared. I wanted to scream at him about how he should have his hearing aids in but I resisted. After all he had entered our room carrying my relief, medication, and a bottle of Pepsi Max.

He found the remote that controlled my side of the bed and he handed it to me so I could raise myself into a sitting position. I am feeling low and tearful, my body trembles as it comes to the full cacophony of it's life.

Slowly I start to swallow my drugs, starting with the small leading up to the large, the final one having to be chewed, once a pleasure now chewed with a plea not to gag.

Now I stayed sitting glad for the slight breeze though the open window and the light brightening my face. I look at John as he stands, side on to me, looking out of the window. I feel a mixture of deep love for him, gratitude for the way he takes care of me without asking and without resentment, and a deep shame toward myself for having become so dependent.  

Teetering on the edge as my tears were, I made them stay put as I told John that all my teenage fears had come true-I was useless and pathetic and the terror of once again ending up being 'cared for' in a home only kept at bay with the knowledge that I know how to make sure this never happens. I assume that my husband goes on that journey before I. I don't want him to live in the shadow of ice that is the cruelty of loss and this only after finding ones way back to the surface and breaking the ice that encases one or there is no fight, no reaching up to the surface in which case I have no idea what would happen. 

I have fought for every breath all of my life and do not know how not to. 

Tiredness brings me to an end. For now. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

LONLINESS-IS LIFE BETTER? The more my disabilities worsen, the less I see of others.Yet I don't talk about my ills to visitors but life, about them, I want to know about THEM!!!

 I think it is a much better idea if I write my longer comments on my blog so that I can get back into the habit of writing on my blog for my own benefit and for the benefit of others as they have told me such.

As you know last year was a very dark year for me.

The show's season has started again and I feel bereft all over again. I have been lonely most of my life. I was lonely in the way only an abused child knows loneliness. I was with John Long time before I began to be able to do things, artistic things, like knitwear design and knitting on machines. I did very well at it and I had some patterns published. So although I was very busy I was still lonely until John came home in the evening because at that time we lived in London and so he was home every evening.

I resorted to friendships, if you could call them that, with people I'd not normally mix with-criminals and dealers. It shows the level of my esteem that I was pleased they took me. It took a long while what I had put myself in line for. I used to take my carless neighbour shopping. I didn't mind, I just wished she would not go to so many shops. One she came running out of a shop and told me to go, get away from from here. I drove home, and when she asked about another trip I said no. I was in all sorts of mess or could have been were I not so lucky.

However, they kept me alive and am from going dolally.

Loneliness seems to be the theme of my life mostly because I was too shamed to make friends. What if they found out what an evil person I was letting those men indulge themselves in me or on me. I lived in constant fear that people would find out.

 I don't ever remember feeling depressed like I did last year. I spent most of my years numb.   I only want seriously kill myself knowing that I would not get caught. I would come home from work grant hello the same as I was grunted hello and then I went to my bedroom and no one expected to see me till seven in the morning. This was more than enough time for the concoction of the hundred or so pills to work.  they should have. I came around just as the doctor was saying to my parents that it was highly unlikely that I was going to survive. They thanked the doctor but more or less ignored me.  I did it because it was the only way I could see of escaping.

I have been driving at the normal speed according to the speed set up. For some reason this annoys other drivers  and survey to their horns at me as they overtake only to be stopped by traffic lights!

 Unfortunately the drugs was still not allow me to swim and I long for the day that I'm able to get into that water where I feel so weightless and where I can go somewhere else. 

 it isn't just the competing of the dogs the I miss but the people and I felt part of it and not excluded. I might well have my talents but they are done singularly and on my own they are not something one can do with other people.

 I have some lovely friends that they live a long way away from me and are too busy to spend time talking on the  phone  or on Facebook because they have proper lives.

Friday, December 05, 2014


My physical pain has increased a great deal recently. I cannot stand up for more than a few minutes without severe pain from my hips down my legs, both of them. Feeding the dogs has become very difficult because I have to be on my feet for longer than five minutes and by the time I am on to the last two the base of my spine has started to wobble like jelly it is the most peculiar feeling.

The result of this is that I am going to be put on the maximum dose of gabapentin which is for neuropathy and epilepsy although in my case it's for the neuropathy. I'm also to be given 10 mg tablets of morphine which I've only just been taken off to go onto the pink 20 mg tablets and my doctor has told me to take an extra 10 when I am feeding the dogs which means I am going to have to take them an hour before an time it properly. Sometimes I don't think doctors quite get it. I am just going to have to feed the dogs as normal and hope I get to the last two before I fall. 

Yes, I have been falling much more. Only once outside when I went all the way down. This was at the swimming pool. Other times I am with John or talking to someone in Tesco and they grab me when they see part to wobble. People are very kind.

 I have been on 200 mg of  sertraline for almost 2 weeks now and it has definitely made all the difference. I'm not sure that I'm quite back to Colin yet but I'm close.  200 mg is the highest one can go with this drug so if it doesn't do the job completely something else will have to be added. I just hope it doesn't need it. Time will tell. I can't believe though how much I have changed since I've been taking the medication.

I did not believe in depression as an illness before. A lot of the people I knew who were on antidepressants were still flocking depressed or I believe they were just a unhappy or liked to my moan.  I thought that antidepressant drugs were a calm designed to make the drug companies billions in profit.

I was absolutely completely wrong. I had never experienced depression  until now and it has taught me a great deal.  that there is absolutely nothing I could do about it apart from take the medication. It was nothing that I did, it was nothing that happened to me, all the things that did happen to me this year yes caused me to feel grief which is completely different.

With the depression all I wanted to do was die. I lost interest in everything my talents, watching TV, and I could only do the basics for the dogs.  I could see absolutely no point to living and I convinced myself that John would be better off without me.

On the day that I decided I was going to take the mixture of morphine and sleeping pills that would work painlessly by stopping my lungs breathing while I was asleep I received an email from my friend Jane and the cause of the time difference between arrived as I was basically counting out the pills. Whilst I have not read any me emails for a while I read hers and she said something in it that I understood and made sense to me.

She told me that depression has a mind of its own and no matter how much I wouldn't do it because it would hurt John and my friends depression didn't care and depression would make me do things I wouldn't normally do and would make me very easily over the top upset by something somebody said and also one comes to believe that no one truly likes m let alone love me.  all I was to John was a mill around his neck. I really believed all these things and more. 

 Thank goodness for friends with insight who could tell just from my Facebook writing that I was severely depressed and not just unhappy and was rightly scared that I was working up to topping myself. Thank goodness for Facebook. Thank goodness for my ability to write as truthfully as I can. I say as truthfully as I can because we can never be completely certain. A good example was some of what I was writing when I was severely depressed-I was writing truthfully as far as I was concerned but what I was writing wasn't true but because I was in denial I didn't know that. W

Saturday, November 08, 2014


 Writing on my blog has been very difficult of late.

I have been suffering from depression and I have tried to hide it. I felt unable to write on here because after all the main reason for writing my blog to help my Fellow survivors.  To share with you how I had recovered from my childhood abuse. Therefore, when I became depressed my first reaction was deep shame and I felt unable to continue to write here. I was writing on Facebook because I was getting instant feedback and it saved my life because two people who knew me and knew how unlike myself I had become and they could read between the lines of what I was saying, that I no longer wanted to live.

This could not have happened on my blog. However I made the fundamental mistake of connecting my depression with my childhood abuse. I have very good GPs and may have explained to me how depression can hit anybody at any time for any reason and to no reason and that it was particularly hard on people like myself who are intelligent and who want to know the ins and outs and the reasons. This has been the most difficult part of this disease. I have no doubt at all now that it is a disease. I started on medication and have gradually increased the dose and I think the next time I see my doctor in two weeks it will be increased once more but that will be the maximum.

Depression can sneak up on you as it did on me. The last 2 1/2 years of my showing dogs that was all I did because I was fighting my disease, my physical disease, which I wasn't going to allow to beat me. It took all the energy I had. I stopped knitting I stopped reading  I stopped everything but swimming. Because all I could do was sleep and bath and groom dogs. I eventually realised I had to stop.

This could well have been the trigger for the depression but and this is the difficult part to understand it is not the reason I am depressed. I have come to terms with the dog showing and I am glad that I no longer do it it is such a relief for me to not do it any more. What is much more telling of my depression is the fact that I do not die yarn or knit any more because I can't find my muse for it.When a person stops doing the the things they love, like I have also stopped listening to music, this is another sign that one may be depressed.

Depression is NOT having an off day feeling miserable. It isn't feeling down for a day or a few days. It is like being swallowed by a big dark cloud and one is trapped. One often wakes, if one can sleep, in tears. Or one doesn't get up at all, stays in pj's, take care of washing themselves, cleaning their teeth etc.It is barely being able to do anything. I have dogs so I have had to feed them. And let them in and out of the garden so I have not been able to stay in bed duvet diving.

I fear that I may have given the impression that once recovered from child, abuse, it was all over and done with. Though I feel sure I must said that there is no no getting over it, just learning to live with it. I don't think I ever covered depression because it never came up. Well now it has and so I am sharing it with with you. 

It is NOT a sure sign of abuse and isn't even a necessary apart of abuse or recovery. It can just happen as it did with me.

I always said I would be honest here and I have avoided being so. Well, now I have been. I am still depressed, depressed enough that I still considered a suicide risk but I have a lot of support and self knowledge and knowledge in general so I am safe.

None of this means that my recovery from abuse was fake or that what I have been sharing with you is fake. It just means I was hit in the head by something I was not expecting.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014


I have put our holiday forward yet again this time to 22 February. I realise that 4 January is only eight weeks away and my antidepressants have not settled yet and my eating is not settled yet and I generally am not settled yet. As usual I always think I can do too much too soon. We're still ahead financially because we only had to pay an extra 200 bearing in mind that we'd already been refunded 800.

Last night in bed I suddenly realised I had not taken my nighttime set of pills which are important because they are for my liver and my heart and my brain I started the process of getting up and John said you stay there while going get them and he was gone before I had time to argue but when it came back I said to him why do you do that? I can go and get my own tablets!  he said the kindest thing in reply: I hate to see you struggled to get out of bed when it is much easier for me to just go down and get your pills and get back and you'd still be struggling to get out of bed.  I hadn't even thought of that because I just take my "problems" as part of my daily life and I don't think about them and for two nights a week and days a week I have to deal with myself anyway. I'm afraid I would not be as kind as him not because I am mankind but because I just wouldn't think in the way that he thinks.   I nag at him about his hearing aids  but for completely selfish reasons. When he is not wearing them he does not speak loudly enough for me to hear and I also have to shout at him for him to hear me and I get very tired of that very soon.  It is also dangerous for him to not wear them because he can't hear traffic coming at the   Zebra Crossings. he thinks they will just stop but he is not a driver and doesn't realise that we often don't have the stopping distance that he gives it is taking quite a while to get him to act set his hearing loss fortunately we have a very good audio system and I bought him Grado PS500's  headphones. Yet again I must have foreseen the problems that were going to arise. I can't believe we were both sick during the week of the holiday we had booked and that I moved to January and they have now moved to February. But that move is just more sensible for me to give me enough time to get well properly.

 I do read and take in everything that is written on here even though it appears that I haven't. It just takes some time for the penny to drop with me I can't just read something and change just like that I have too slowly digest it and understand it.  it can take some concepts months to settle into my brain but once it has it has the good and I no longer make that same mistake. I think also because I have followed ill given advice before but I am very wary of it now because I have believed some utter shirt in the past because I have looked up to people while I don't look up to people any more and I don't look down on people any more I look at their eyes. Even beggars on the street I make eye contact with whether I give them anything or not. The eye contact is to show them that I recognise that they are a human being just the same as me but in different circumstances. I do try to keep to the point honestly you should hear me when I'm talking I go all round the world back. So anyway I just wanted to let you know that your messages of encouragement never go ignored even if I forget to click like it's not because I dislike them if I did I have a dislike button I can press.

On the subject of stubbornness: I thought my hands were feeling better and so I started to net a pair of socks on 2 mm needle is after 20 times of having to undergo it having not been able to get past the first two rows. And yet my toes on 2.25 mm needle is went like a dream. So I guess 2 mm needles are no longer a viable option for me and that really does upset me. Only knitters would understand this. 

Monday, October 27, 2014


We have just taken Luque to the vet because we believe he is becoming senile because he is behaving rather oddly. The vet says he is otherwise healthy and he now has tablets to take twice a day which will ensure that plenty of blood gets to his head and see if that makes any difference to his behaviour. he seems quite happy within himself but as just behaved oddly and he did seem to have trouble with his balance on Sunday and sometimes he looks pretty vacant. I think nine years old is a bit young for something like this to happen but it might not be senility but something else which I don't like to think about and like human beings dogs get things the same as we do and it's not all hereditary it's just life and sometimes life isn't smooth and comfortable and happy as we would wish so we would just make the best of it or sit and cry from the rest of it which is not just pathetic but a complete lack of any self worth and strength. It's not fair we are people scream. Well life isn't fair and we just have to get on with it.
I am surprised how quickly I got over the troubles with my friends and it's because I realised that they weren't friends at all and that she had just been using me as a sounding board. Dick head hear loved her and saw her through the many problems that she has had and don't get me wrong they have been serious her death mute son developing epilepsy see developing breast cancer losing a grandchild and she is to come over to me and talk to me about all this over coffee and have a cry and then she would leave and the reason she came to me was good she didn't want me at our house because she wanted to be away from the man however that is not what she told her husband on Monday. she said I wouldn't go to their house because it was too difficult for me. This when he called and threatened me I knew then that I had been right about him all along and also unfortunately right about her role along.
This is going to prove rather expensive because we are having to have our wedding album redone to remove both of them from it. Not out of spite but because I do not want to be reminded of them every time I look at a book that is supposed to bring back just the happiest day of my life and not remind me each time what a decade I was in letting her be one of my witnesses and not following my gut a long time previous that she wasn't really a friend but because of her problems and her cancer I just felt too guilty to cut her out of my life. I got what I got because I didn't do the right thing out of fear. And I often find I don't do the right thing out of fear. I am learning though. I have defended people who I know don't give a toss about me because they haven't written at all during my illness and there can't be anybody who doesn't know about it. I find it very strange that the most support I've got the most loving and caring support that I have got has mainly been through people I don't know and befall those who get upset with me that I do know I am fully aware of your loving support as well. I truly appreciate all of you but I still must give the Goldstar to Jane Kruizenga Brown because she really did save my life and that is not an exaggeration she explained depression as a disease in a way that she knew I would understand and she was right. I don't like to boast but I am a very over intelligent person I say over intelligent because being well above average in intelligence is flocking pain. My doctor fortunately accepts it and never tries to fob me off because she knows I will only go and look it up. I read a lot on physics and the like and so Jane understood that if she explained to me in a simple but scientific way I would get it and I did get it loud and clear and within an hour of her phone call I had my first script and soon after that I had my first antidepressant. They were the wrong one from me but I only took them two days and on the third day I took the right one. And you can all see the change it is made in me. It isn't magic I'm not flying around and I'm still having down days but they are further apart and mostly I feel fairly normal for me.
Anyway I am off to the pool now love to all xoxo a

Sunday, October 26, 2014


This might be the way I blog because I find I reach so many people on FB and I know this because they tell me so privately and publicly. IT would seem the more open I am the more it helps others to gain insight into their own recovery which really surprises me. So as my disease has got much worse I can't do both and this seems ideal. I know some will hate it but I am not God nor superman nor a therapist. I am just a man who chooses to share my lie from childhood onwards in a very public way because it helps

I have come to terms with what has happened with my so-called friends because I realise that they weren't friends all. I never felt comfortable with him and when she used to come over for coffee it was just a dump on me all her problems and then she would go and never listened to me or mine and when the depression hit I never saw anything offer. She has lied to that to her husband by saying that I never went to their house because I didn't want to because it was too painful to walk the distance which of course it is but that isn't the truth she came to me because she wanted to get away from her house full of men. Basically I made my standard mistake of believing someone was true when they were not. I have so long time felt that I was used by her but because she had the cancer and had a lot of other problems I didn't really feel I could just dump the and to be quite honest I don't know how you dump people anyway. On Facebook is easy you just remove them from your friends list and block them that gives them the message that she is one who uses Facebook. However I did tell over the phone. I can't believe that a man who is higher in a particular profession that would take his threatening of me very seriously and yet he still did it probably because he knew I wouldn't do anything about it and I'm not going to I deleted the message. Because I don't want all that stress so I did it for myself and not for him either. I just want peace in my life and it seems that I'm going to have to have more of the clear out not that I can think of anybody right now but I will know as time goes by those relationships that are one-sided. I will be friends with almost anybody unfortunately I am naive and it takes me a long time to realise that I am being used and sometimes I find out in a shocking way like I did this time and other times while still in a shocking way but not quite as hurtful as this was. I do not want to become hard or bitter or difficult to approach. I know somebody with a heart of gold who is very sensitive and is really lovely but she has such a hard exterior that it frightens people and it keeps them away and she does this because she wants to be protected from the sort of pain that I experience on a regular basis. I am not criticising our at all but I do think that she could be missing out on some very good friendships that are real. I feel very flattered that I got letting and in case you think I'm talking about you I am talking about a few people who are like that and to have let me in and become close friends with me. So I'm not letting any cat's out of the bag nor am I describing you in particular because I can imagine that there is one or two people that will automatically think I mean them in a private talk I might say something different but they must remember that I described them as lovely sensitive good people who have grown hard exteriors and I just don't want to be like that I think the way I do it is that I appear to be how people see me but there are those I let into my heart and narrows that I don't and I guess this woman I never let into my heart despite the fact that she was a witness at our civil partnership. I did it because I felt if I didn't I'd never hear the end of it. I had to make a choice out of several people and I made the wrong one. Fiona Overton I made a mistake and it should have been you. Although you tell me your problems in your heartaches you always have time for mine. As does your daughter. Although because she calls the uncle and sees me in that way she is more likely to tell me her problems than feel comfortable listening to her uncle's problems. At least that's how I see it Sophie Vinciguerra so do tell me if I am wrong.
I am going to go through the process of having our wedding album which will be very expensive but I can't have it with those two people left in it and it has nothing at all to do with spite but I don't want to be reminded of the pain and humiliation every time I open the book. It is ruined for me because of course they take quite a centre stage since they were at the top table. And that is the only reason I am having them removed I am not a spiteful person I am just an oversensitive one and it would seriously hurt me to look at them and be reminded constantly. I hope that can be understood as the way I have put it and you don't still think I am being spiteful.
we are both still ill but unfortunately John is far worse than I am of course because of his dress difficulties in the first place and my ordinarily drugs not only do they hide from me that there is something wrong but they deal with all the symptoms as well and so I am not on antibiotics until they become necessary or if they become necessary. Quite often they do but about a week or so from now because the morphine stops me coughing but when I have a chest infection if I have one I don't really know about it until I do cough up a small bit of green and then I know I need to go on antibiotics.
We actually had a very good visit without doctor on Friday and I think it is getting better and I'm going to like her well. I ought to have trusted Ruth's ch I told her yesterday that she was like most doctors and had OCD but I can't remember what it was she was doing that made me say that and it made me laugh and she agreed with me sorry it made her laugh and she agreed. It is that sort of banter that makes me feel comfortable with the doctor.
Gosh this is a very long post and I am sure I lost most of you ages ago but I am finishing now and if you did get this far then you deserve a gold star which I can't give you but(My heart#) c ~ Download to see & send fun emoticons on Facebook ~
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Sunday, October 12, 2014


 I am reading a book at the moment which I think I would recommend to every abuse survivor or victim. It is called the boy who was raised as a dog and other stories. It is written by neurologist and it explains very well how our brains are damaged by the abuse even if our abuse was not physical.

It has certainly helped me understand myself much better and it has also taken away a lot of the self blame I have over my behaviour and especially my self harming behaviour because according to this book I could not do anything else as my brain was programmed to do this is by the abuse to give you an example of very simple one:

When I was about six and after a particularly upsetting abuse scenario I went and I ate a load of cornflakes and sugar. This made me feel numb. I did it again. And again. By doing this I laid down a neural pathway  which means that when ever I feel pain or abused all discomfited I want to eat these "comfort" foods.

There are other more complicated pathways like my dislike and distrust of men which has been with me since early childhood. I remember turning up at school for a new term. I was about seven years old and up until then I had only had female teachers. To my horror my class teacher was a man. I hated school from that day on.

 even today I have to make a concerted effort when it comes to men despite the fact that I'm gay and I am married to another gay man whom I have been together with the 33 years. (While it's unlikely I'll be married to a straight man I think that little piece of information about him being gay was unnecessary :-)) 

 the reason I think this book is such a good book for us to read is that it takes a lot of our pain away slowly it's not a magic recognition.  However reading it it slowly dawned on me that much of what I had punished myself for I had no control over.  I have yet to finish this book but still feel confident enough to recommend it. I found that from me it explains so much about my behaviour and how especially at the age of 55 I was still battling to stop or cure behaviour but I have no chance of being able to do and neither is it my fault. As a child on neural pathways  asked set down according to our experiences from birth onwards and we have absolutely no control over it at all. Absolutely none. This is true of everybody those who were loved and cherished and those that were not we have no control at all over how our brain set itself. I see it rather like a computer and we had no control over how it was programmed and we have very little ability to control that programming today. We do of course have to do what we can. Some of this programming can turn a c us into sociopaths but with help we can still made choices with help that do not cause pain to others. 

 Although  well above average IQ I do not feel comfortable in saying that I have interpreted this book correctly however I do feel very comfortable in recommending it as a read that will be of help to most victims and survivors. 

Thursday, October 02, 2014


Tuesday, September 30, 2014



 I feel ready to explain where I have been  for the last couple of years.

I have been ill.

I was far too ashamed and embarrassed to let anybody know particularly those people who follow my blog.

This blog is all about recovery from child abuse and how it can be done and I am proof of that. How could I possibly tell you but I was depressed? Especially when it took me a while to realise that I was.

The daft thing is that the depression had nothing at all to do with my childhood although of course everything is affected by childhood abuse but this was not about that.

It all started in July 2012 when our house started to be renovated. I absolutely detested having people in my house all day every day even though they were doing what I had asked them to do and was paying them to do. They were making my house safer for me. The floors were taken up so that all that was left was very dusty concrete all something like it. We had been away for a week whilst they did the bathroom and the kitchen and although I knew that the floor was going to be taken up I didn't realise this report I would see when I came back. The dust was everywhere and it put my teeth on edge.

I felt very guilty for not wanting these men here I wanted my space. My home is my safety and I felt very unsafe whilst they were doing it. I naïvely thought it would take a couple of weeks but in fact it took almost a year but I am very happy with the result and we have a much more secure house now.

My disease was progressing at quite a pace but I did not stop doing dog shows in fact I did more and I showed more dogs. I was not going to give in to my disease. I was not going to be a wimp. I could stop my disease from progressing if I did enough. During this time I had no time for anything and the only indication to me that I was getting worse was that instead of having to spend the following day after dog show in bed I had to spend the following two days in bed and the third day doing nothing unless of course I had two shows which mostly I did have a show each weekend and sometimes on a weekday as well.

I started falling quite frequently at the shows.  Sometimes I fell on grass which was less painful but many times I fell on concrete which was very painful but of course I denied it and I made a joke out of it. What I didn't see was the danger I was causing myself and any dog but I might fall on which fortunately never happened. Dogs are not stupid they get out of the way fast.

I also started to have problems with my driving. I had more than once fallen asleep at the wheel on the way home from dog shows. So I would stop at service areas and I would park way off leaving my engine running because of the air con and I would sleep for an hour or so. I got home but I usually spoke with John all the way back after the sleep.

John had always said that he would never go to the general championship shows with me because he would never get up that early to go. He changed his mind and decided that he would come with me because he said he realised it was the only way I was going to be able to continue to go. He doesn't drive but he was able to get everything out of the car including my wheelchair and set everything up for me in the grooming area.

Whilst I was waiting in the collecting area to go into my class I happened to look up and saw John sitting at the side of the ring and I saw the look on his face and I realised that my days of showing dogs was over. These are our retirement years. I could not let John do this. He hated it but he was doing it because he loved me and he knew how important it was for me to show the dogs.

Two things converged at this point: my denial of my disease and consequently my denial that dog showing was no longer possible for me. Idea to have a good cry over both of them one is the cries was with a dear friend who listened and understood because she herself shows dogs.

This left my life feeling empty as if I no longer had any purpose. I had not been able to knit for quite some time and I had done very little in the way of yarn dyeing. 

 Gradually I became severely depressed to the point but I was beyond planning but about to do it.  My drugs are kept in a safe under the desk on which I keep my iMac.  As I was sitting there with the safe open and calculating how many I was going to need that would send me to sleep and stop my lungs from working whilst I was asleep, my iMac made a noise which told me that an email has arrived.  For some reason I moved my mouse which cleared the screen and I could see that I had two emails are both from friends that I have spent a lot of time with despite the fact that they live abroad and that I met them on Facebook. Both emails were telling me to get to a doctor as soon as possible. One of them who suffers from depression herself told me something that really frightened me: she said you have always said that you would never do it because of John but depression doesn't care what you think it thinks for itself and it can make you do things that you do not want to do. Considering I was looking at my safe full of drugs  when I email arrived and when my other friends email arrived I picked up the phone to my doctor's surgery. They know me very well and know me as a happy person who never grumbled about his condition and always cheered them up. They knew immediately that I needed help and within an hour I was seeing a doctor and I did not argue when I was prescribed antidepressants  (something I have always been very much against because I felt that they did not work and would just a way for drug companies to make money.)

 Within a week my desire to live came back and now five weeks later my  my head has stayed above the water but my doctor yesterday doubled the dose because although I think it had worked remarkably well I still didn't think I was right and neither did she think I was back to my normal self. 

 This has been a very difficult learning experience for me full stop.  I cannot say if my childhood abuse had anything to do with the severity of my reactions to the last 2 1/2 years or not. All I do know is that I hid  what was going on with me. And I certainly was not going to be writing about it on my blog because I felt I would be letting you all down because I felt that you would think I had given you false hope  about how it is possible to recover from child abuse.

I realise now how very wrong I was to not have shared what was going on with me and making assumptions about what you would think. I also think for once that this wasn't directly to do with my child abuse but the effects of child abuse pervades everything as we know so  I am really not sure.

I am sorry that I did not share about all this as it was going on and that I basically abandoned this blog for long time and therefore its readers and for that I truly am sorry. Yes, it has occurred to me that there are now no readers of this blog but I have the least  done what I should have done and may be some readers didn't give up hope that I would write again. 

Friday, August 22, 2014


I am too ill to write for now. I am not gone and I will be back but I can't give at this moment.

Sunday, August 17, 2014


John and I went out to a spiritualist meeting this afternoon. All the time I kept looking at the back of this woman's head being absolutely certain that I knew her. When it was over and she turned around I knew that it was the lady I knew. I knew her daughters as well and I had a very long chat with her husband I'm talking at least an hour or so in the supermarket. Two months ago this man killed himself. He has an evil family. They tried to have his wife and her children who they don't like thrown out of the service and all of the time the service was going on they were heckling and such until it got so bad the Minister got the wife and children out. 

This man spent his whole life trying to get his family to love and accept him as he was. He was very sensitive and gentle and they were not. I don't know if they were but they sounded like some sort of Roma or crime family just by their behaviour.

 anyway I am sorry to say that I think the man was wrong to have killed himself to leave a wife and seven children behind and wife who thinks it's her fault that she should have been able to do more or seen it coming. I just hugged and harder and stroked her and told her that it wasn't her fault and when she realised that she would be able to grieve and then be able to live properly. I just think it is so wild that we have been discussing suicide the last few days and I then come across this happening to somebody I know reasonably well. This is a case where I think he should have sought help and thought of his wife and family and not just of the pain he felt because his own family didn't love him. I understand fully what that pain is like because that is the same with me my own family never loved me or accepted me but I won in the end after a lot of pain and attempts at ending my life. I stopped at the last one because I had taken a ship load of drugs at about 6 PM and new that I would not be found until at least 7 AM by which time I will have gone. I was not gone I was in a coma though and remain so for a few days and then was put in a mental hospital because my family lied and said that they had no  idea why.   well they were hardly going to say well yes actually we didn't love him or accept him because we wanted a butcher son  not this sensitive soft unnatural boy.

I understand this man it took me until I was in my 30s before I stopped looking for them to accept me. I realised that they needed to earn my acceptance of them and they never did get that. I don't hate them but I certainly don't love them and I am forever grateful that they are out of my life. I do know that they know about my blog but whether they know about my Facebook I don't know it depends how savvy they are.

 Anyway I really wanted to just hugged that woman's pain away because I had a fair idea of the pain she was feeling although not completely because of course this has never happened to me but grief has  and grief in the end is grief no matter what causes it. All of us who have suffered grief have that bond between us even if the cause of the grief is completely different. 

 Please send your good thoughts to my friend. I haven't named her faultless reasons but I believe that the good thoughts for my friend will still reach their target. And you know what I don't really give a toss about those who don't believe that this works because it does work and I've seen it work.

It is one reason why I find it very difficult to being groups of people for a very long and white dog shows people would see me in my spot knitting hoping that this would keep people away from me. It sounds awful because I like them very much but there is only so much I can take. My good friends who live close by who come and visit know when it is time for them to go without me having the say anything because I wouldn't be rude unless I was really really bad but normally I would never ask them to leave but they have an instinct and  know when it is time to say goodbye to me. I think only one good friend Judy Morant  saw me leave because I was there to have my dog mated both were virgins and I just couldn't get them to do it because they were both far too eager and I couldn't align them so that his penis went where it should and she is expert at getting the dog's penis where it should be. Anyway it was stressful for me and I had been there for quite some time and not even I was aware that I just disappeared for a while. She said she now understood what disassociation meant. She said it was really quite spooky to see because I was sat there in front of her in my body but I wasn't there. H

Sunday, August 10, 2014


CAT: I am sorry I accidentally deleted your message. Would you please write it again? What you said was pertinent though hard for me to to read.


 I know that I have been writing here very sporadically and I feel very guilty about it because this was set up primarily to help other survivors.

However, I have been hit badly by several happenings in my life in the last couple of years that have caused me to have flashbacks and severe mood swings. 

I have been writing on Facebook because there I do not have to wait long for words of wisdom to come my way.  people really are very kind.

But I feel that I have neglected the survivors I write this blog for.  All I can say is how sorry I am but right now it is the best I can do.  maybe I shall start to write here instead because what I have been going through does fit in with all that I have said  about what we survivors have to contend with and how an unexpected happening can bring it all flooding back and can make it very difficult to rid oneself of its negative effects again.

 And I have to say that I also feel ashamed because I was writing this blog to show how possible it was to recover and yet here I am in a complete mess again because of happening that cause flashbacks and in two years I am still not back to normal.

 it isn't just that my physical disease has got bad and I can no longer sure my dogs. So I feel very sad and unhappy in fact heartbroken about that it is what I worked so many years for. I did have a lot of success. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Alexander 24 05 14

Friday, July 04, 2014


I had a reasonable sleep. waking up a lot but otherwise fine. Felt no need to take anything. I feel me usual crappy self which is a good thing. Maybe this 'withdrawal thing' this is going to be intermittent. I don't get it but am determined to stick with the oxy.

It will be hot today. The lounge was already 27c when I got up. John is home. I guess we will do domestic things and continue watching Game of Thrones 4. We have 4 because i have Amazon's Prime and it includes loads of free films and series and the GoT was bought in HD and is mine forever u less the 'Cloud' evaporates. I have been watching Under The Dome which seems much more interesting than the book. I find Mr King far too wordy now though I normally don't like his film version as. I think I find this enjoyable after two episodes is it is new to me. Who knows if I will stick with it? I must watch this as it streams though. It isn't saved as it is completely free.

I know some people really care about me but I would really like a favour please. Do not go on about when I return to dog showing. It hurts. I am getting used to the idea of not doing so. It was a pull to take Alexander tomorrow as he is entered but it will just open up a huge wound if I do.

I have been enjoying my dogs in a way that I have not done so for years. All the pressure of keeping them in tiptop condition has gone although none of them look any different to when I was showing them. You should see Alexander as he glides across the lawn. His coach trials the floor. And he has an easy coat to care for it. It is also easy to groom. I intend keeping  Winston in full coat when he is mature merely because he has the right text on coat he is a true deep black and will not have a difficult coat. After all it is this that drew me to the breed.

Rose will be going to a handler as I promised that she would when Megan has finished being shown. Megan will have a letter and as long as I get a top-quality female in that letter she will be gifted to her handler. Bette Sillito-pearson  already knows that I will not give up Megan until she has produced me a show quality pitch to continue breeding from. I will be continuing to breed the occasional letter but only from top quality females to top-quality males. I will reconsider if I find that no one is interested in buying shows stock.

I really want to just enjoy John's and my retirement. Yes, I do call it a retirement from myself as well. I think I'm beginning to let go in ways that are good for me. To give you an sample which some of you will be clueless as to its importance and others of you will get it straight away.

When I swim I was religiously counting each lap as I did it and I would find all sorts of ways of remembering which lap I was on and I would get very upset if I lost track. Recently keeping track has been more difficult but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was swimming for the same amount of time and so therefore must have done the same amount of laps. Now I don't even bother to count. I get in the water and I just enjoy the swim and I think about far more important things and some good ideas have come to me or some realisations have come to me because I have let go of the counting. I even count the stairs in my house as I go up and down them even though I know how many there are. It is a PTSD thing (and also an autism thing which has you know my doctor puts me at the high end of the autism scale.  it was a dog friend that first suggested that I talk to my doctor about autism. Throughout my life many people have made the suggestion to me but I didn't understand autism and only thought of rain man and I knew I was not like that. My friend though said that I did not know how to read people's faces although I am not sure about that and in fact probably disagree however when I read that famous book The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nightitme,  I identified so much with the boy and was rather horrified to discover that I did a lot of what the boy did and have done all my life and I would never even have mentioned it to a doctor because it just seemed totally normal to me. I have gotten over the not mixing my food together but I still eat my food in a specific order.)

As usual I have gone off on a tangent. Oh yes I was talking about having given up the counting while I am  swimming and just enjoying the swimming.  I am extremely grateful that I learned to swim when I was a boy because otherwise today I would be wheelchair stuck and fat for. I love being in the water. I hurt much less in the water although I do have to take extra painkiller in order to be  able to swim the amount I need to to keep my bones and muscles active and my weight down. I would do this even if I was one of those lucky devils who could eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight. It matters not that I am more likely to survive famine than those who remain skinny no matter what they eat! Why on earth anybody thinks that is of any comfort I don't know. Which brings me neatly onto the subject of cakes and stuff in supermarkets.  they sell a whole cake and they have written on it serves six. They should add the word pixie after the six. SERVES SIX?  Who are these six people that would be happy with a slither  of cake?  if I were truthful I would say it would serve two.  And by two I mean two slices.

 Getting back to the dogs. Perhaps it is becoming in my mind very similar to the way I feel about myself. I do not need you to tell me how I am. I like and love myself and it doesn't depend upon you. I can see whether my dog is a champion quality dog or and I really do not need  a person to give me a green card to say that they also think so. Let's face it all those people showing in limit and open think the same way about their dog otherwise they would not be showing it. This is only just occurred to me.  I am not going to shorten my life and ruin my time with John chasing around the country getting those three cards. Yes one could say that I'm just a boy whistling in the wind trying to convince himself that it is okay not showing. Seriously though I am pleased not to be there today. When I look at Mary Grace completely shaved off I am so proud of her because she is outstanding and as Andrew Brace said she deserved her title. She will never get it but I really do not care now I know that she is worthy and that is what counts. It is hard to explain the difference in feeling I have towards the dogs now but I am certain it has to do with all the tension having left me.